Fear Fest: Irrational Fears! Or, That Chair Wants To Kill You.

OCTOBER 30th, Irrational Fears

“I think it would be very foolish not to take the irrational seriously.”
-Jeanette WInterson

Today we’re going to switch gears a bit. For the past month I’ve been picking one fear per day and running with that. Today we’ll quickly look at some irrational fears. I mean like the really weird fears … the kind that make you laugh. The kind of fears that when someone says they have it, you reply incredulously and probably lose a friendship. So, let’s dive right in.

Amnesiphobia is the fear of amnesia. I can’t see how this is an impending fear. Other than soap opera actors, I honestly believe this fear is a joke.

I hope I never meet an ablutophobe. Ablutophobia is the fear of bathing. I wonder what the fear of those that have the fear of bathing is … I might have that.

Contreltophobia is the fear of sexual abuse. Does this really need to be said?

Believe it or not, there are Levophobes out there. They fear the left side of the body … Dextrophobes fear the right side.

Consecotaleophobia is not only hard to spell, it’s also hard to believe. Its fear of chopsticks by the way … yea, crazy.

As foolish as it sounds, I could get behind nephobia. Not that I necessarily fear clouds, I just like sunny days and I drive a Wrangler.

Surprisingly xanthophobia is not a fear of Piers Anthony’s Xanth series, but rather the color yellow. I guess this would be silly unless you were a green lantern.

Fortunately phagophobes don’t last long, they are afraid of eating and swallowing.

Anglophobes fear anything British. I am very glad I’ve not been cursed with this fear. Simon Pegg is wonderful, Neil Gaiman is awesome, and I love anything Sherlock Holmes.

Medomalacuphobia is the fear of losing an erection. Interesting, I didn’t realize this was a fear. I wonder if it keeps people up nights. (See what I did there. “Keeping them up” is a dick joke)

Paraskavedekatriaphobia is the fear of people named Jason Voorhees. More specifically it’s the fear of Friday the 13th.

If you are afraid of gold, you might want to look into aurophobia … yea, that’s right, there is a fear of gold.

Euphobes would have a terrible time around Professor Farnsworth … they fear good news.

My scalp has Trichopathophobia … that’s a fear of hair. Fortunately I don’t suffer from peladophobia … the fear of bald people.

I wonder if anyone in the past 300 years has had to deal with leprophobia, fear of leprocy.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with Spacephobia, the fear of deep space, I just think they phoned in the name.

Phobophobia, the fear of fear. According to FDR, the only true fear. Righteous.

The fear of sitting is known as Kathisophobia, Cathisophobia or Thaasophobia. That’s right, the fear of sitting has three clinical terms. How the fuck is that possible? I suppose that its only fair that the fear of standing has three terms; Basistasiphobia, Basostasophobia, and Stasiphobia

Symbolophobia is the fear of symbolism. I would have loved to have been in the room when this fear was thought up. I would have given everyone in the room rhabdophobia … the fear of being criticized severely, or beaten with a rod. Wait a minute. Standing and sitting each have three terms, but being criticized and being beaten with a rod have to piggyback together? Fucking foolish.

Finally we come to hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia … the fear of long words. Whoever named this one is just a dick

THE ANSWER: There is no answer for most of these. However, if you know of any foolish fears, clinical or otherwise, please feel free to share.