Press Start: Ken Levine Wants You To #OccupyRapture. It Never Ends.
This is the latest edition of Press Start. It’s also the latest edition to be late. What more can I say? Regardless, this is the gaming column where I give a rundown of the shite that I came across in the World of First Person Proxy Murder and Motion-Controlled Assholery.Top five something such conceit gimmick yadda yadda. Essentially the internet foyer equivalent of a video game shit shooting wunderfest. Let us blah. Let us blah together.
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#3: Grand Theft Auto V Revealed, Trailer Coming.
Grand Theft Auto V was announced this week. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that all the rumors were right, and the kazillion dollar franchise was carrying on. It’s almost like there’s profit to be made! Not only have they dropped the logo for the title and confirmed the barely muted desires for aspiring digital sociopaths, but the good Uber-Lords at Rockstar Games have announced that a trailer is being foisted onto the fat pipes of the Digi-Waves next week. November 2 to be precise. Mark it down. Or ignore the video game sites on that shit. Big shit gonna be poppin‘.
The most interesting thing that came out of the announcement was an article by Stephen Totilo where he speculated on the implications of what system this pig comes out for. The Grand Theft Auto series is a King Maker, and wherever it descends upon shall be covered in jewels and have their genitals slathered with orgasmic consumerism glee.
I like the Grand Theft Auto series, though IV let a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. Time heals all wounds. Sensational events are monuments I have to survey. I can’t help it. I’m a consumerwhore.
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A: Dude Builds Lego Contraption To Get Gears Achievement.
There’s an achievement in Gears 3 that requires you to play a piano 2,000 times. Developers have really begun fucking us in the ass over achievement points, knowing that the masses of us (not me, I’m a scrub) like to stare at numbers on a gamer profile and gently caress our zipper line. And I’m not talking the enjoyable roaring prostrate message or lady-centric butt play. I’m talking Jesus Christ you’re going to tear my tubing like that dude in the Horse video. That sort of anal play. Anyways, Epic Games pulled this sort of shit, but one dude rallied and got around the insipid achievement. Motherfucker built a contraption out of Legos to do the work for him.
It’s a glorious middle finger to the game.
However after thinking about it, I’m wondering if this was actually quicker than just mashing the button for the allotted amount. None the less, well done. Well done indeed.
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#1: Nintendo Losses Are Double What Was Projected. Drink Up, Mario.
Ever since Nintendo dragged the world of gaming down into peripheral Hell in ways that the PowerGlove and Super Scope only dreamed of with the Wii, I’ve been quietly waiting. Lurking in the closet. My face so closely pressed up to the slats of the door that my face begins perspiring with the beady residue of hate. I knew that they would crash, I know the gimmicky nonsense bubble would pop in a thunderous gaming equivalent of the housing market. Hyperbole? ‘Course yo. How I do. So this year Nintendo dropped the 3DS. Approximately two-thousand Nintendo fanboys and dorktakus ate it up, while the rest of us just giggled and farted into our hands and sniffed at it. Chicken finger farts are awesome. The console launch was dismal, Nintendo had to slash the price, and they’ve taken a loss.
Twice what was expected.
According to Kotaku, Nintendo’s profits “are supposedly down a staggering ¥100 billion ($1.3 billion), which is twice what Nintendo forecast.” Oh gosh,I hope that the Wii U will save them! Nothing says awesome like trying to hold an iPad as a controller. But it has a fucking screen built into it! Not even the new Zelda can get me amped about Nintendo, though it will inevitably cause me to dust off my Wii. Prepare the wrists for phallic flicking.
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#1A: Curator Builds A Cube of GameCubes. Chin Up, Nintendo!
Alright, sorry Nintendo. I still love some of your products. Nothing says icy freshness like a console with a fucking handle on it. Boom! Hey Mah!, pack me some fucking Pop-Tarts I’m snagging my pink console by the handle and running over to Tommy’s house. It’s 2001 and I’m thirteen and while we’ll start by playing Luigi’s Haunted Mansion we’re going to end up watching scrambled porn and masturbating under blankets. Neither of us to talk about it. Ever.
…Curator for the Personal Computer Museum Syd Bolton realized how awesome the GameCube was, and he built a fucking Cube of GameCubes. He assembled the sons a bitches and strapped them to some Commodore 1702 monitors and instantly created something to be marveled at. No word on whether or not he placed the consoles into their appropriate places by their handles, but that can be figured out at a later time.
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#666 ²: Ken Levine Talks About Occupy Movement, Auteurship.
When Ken Levine spits about shiz (shiz?) in the gaming industry or on culture in general, I perk up. You name it. Unmentionable bits, nipples, hairs on my ass. We all stand up, salute, pay attention. This week Levine had a couple of interesting tidbits to mention. The first was on his role in creating BioShock and BioShock Infinite. He views himself as inhabiting a role that is more like an “editorship. Auteur sounds like you do everything.” The entire conversation is interesting, and I love the fact that auteur theory is being interjected into gaming world. Let others fist fight about whether auteurs are a viable concept in film, and if Spielberg is one. I’m choosing the Levine versus Kojima throwdown. All day!
Later in the week he chimed in on the Occupy Movement, and admitted that it’s affecting how BioShock Infinite is being designed, stating that the “Occupy Wall Street has been helping me because I’ve been struggling to figure out how the Vox Populi get to the point in the demo”. Interesting shit.
Maybe only to me. But to me? Oh man. Like I said! To attention!
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What caught your eyes this week? Hit me.
