Fear Fest: Ape-ocalypse. G’damn Dirty Super Intelligent F**kers.
OCTOBER 25th, Ape-ocalypse
“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.”
-H.L. Mencken
Today’s fear has been on my mind since I saw Rise of Planet of the Apes a few weeks back. I’m not going to take specifics from the film beyond the concept, but for posterity’s sake, I did enjoy it.
The main reason we’ve been able to dominate most species is because of our opposable thumbs. We can open doors, we can throw things, and we can hold truncheons. This works well against the dogs, cats, and elephants of the world. However, there is one other animal out there that has been blessed with the most useful of appendages; the ape. Lets have a quick look at what these monsters can do.
At first glance, nothing really happens. Its only when the video is over and you look back that I get freaked out. First, the chimp charges the police car using a trash barrel as cover. This act tells me that the ape knows that we have projectile weapons. Sun Tzu says “”Know yourself, know your enemy, know your battlefield; a thousand battles, a thousand victories.” I can’t attest to whether or not the ape knows himself, but he certainly seems to know us.
Next the ape leaps on to the hood of the car. At this point, we don’t know if there is anyone on there. He stomps the windshield twice and cracks it. I’m sure we all know of the strength of a chimp. But if I want to crack a cop’s windshield, I have to get all hopped up on angel dust, and I’ll still probably need a bat. So when the car drives away we know there is someone in there. If the officer inside didn’t shit themselves, kudos to you. I turtle-headed while watching the video.
The final thing that freaks me out about this video is that it attacks the cop car first. I don’t know what went on before the events of this video, but since they are on the interewebs, I’m sure it wasn’t interesting. Since it appears there were other targets, that tells me the ape had a choice. He chose to attack the most lethal of his targets. That implies a threat assessment check down capability. So, he shares a trait with the Predator. He is also smart enough to know that the situation is futile and sits down passively. Great, so he3’s got self-preservation instinct as well.
THE ANSWER: This is an isolated incident in the outskirts of Kansas City. Well, isolated for now. The main things that keeps the apes from rising up and murdering us all is communication and coordination. This is my plea to scientists. If you see apes doing advanced synchronized movements, don’t hesitate, kill them all. I’m not so worried about an artificial source making them smarter like in the Ape movies. That’s just foolish. It’s the natural and willful collaboration between them to bring down the human race that worries me.
