Press Start!: Link Shows Zelda His Blast Processing, Needs Shotgun Wedding.
This is Press Start! A column where I generally go ‘blah blah blah video games Top 5’ for 800+ words or so. Generally longer. Generally unedited. Today I’m tired as fuck and the room is spinning and the voices are encouraging me towards knives, so instead I’m going to cop-out and just post the dope gaming videos I came across this week. If you don’t like them, feel free to hit the comments box with your own video game happenings of the week. You swine.
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#1: Blast Processing Shits On Super Nintendo
Clearly not from this week, and I’m already breaking my own rules. All I know is that when I was a kid, if you said Blast Processing wasn’t the dopest shit ever there was a knuckle-fucking-sandwich coming your way.
Who gives a shit if the Super Nintendo has the best library of all time (it’s a scientific fact, fuck you), Blast Processing was the X-Treme ejaculation of my kid-tech-dreams.
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#2:’Uncharted 3′ Launch Trailer Is Video That Launched a Thousand Boners
Uncharted is my favorite piece of work that Nathan Fillion has ever done. I know it’s not his likeness, nor is Drake voiced by him. But it’s Nathan Fillion. Fillion is about to star in what could be one of the most glorious action games of all time.
Just watching the trailer gets me so amplified. I begin gritting my teeth, barking in staccato guttural blasts at my computer monitor, inviting it to tell me the tales of Truth and Glory. Demanding that my computer processor bend time. Warp space. Take me to this game. I need it.
Now.
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#3: Remember When U R Not [Red] E Made Sense?
The tagline for the original PlayStation was U R Not [Red] E. It was an awesome 1990s high-concept stool movement onto the cerebral cortex of every impressionable gaming youth. Why do I shit on syntax, mumble incoherently, and fail to function as a human being? I blame a lot of things: inbreeding way down the family tree, fluoride in the water, transmissions from the Illuminati into the receiver in my cavity filling.
But also this, the sort of nonsensical advertising that I was inundated with as a pubescent analog whacker.
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#4: Link and Zelda Go NSFW
There’s something amusing about bleeped out words, and the implication of naughtiness. In a world where every fetish has been video tapes, every vapid pop star’s vagina been meticulously studied in paparazzi pictures, what is left? A return to the taboo via implication. It’s why I laugh harder at old school episodes of Chappelle’s Show that aren’t unedited.
Link and Zelda perform such a dance, as Link seems a bit rapey and Zelda won’t give it up. It’s amusing to me, what can I say? Mine eyes have seen the horrors of the world played out before me, now they just want bleeped out words and leaping faeries.
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#5: Then We All Wanted Powergloves.–
The Wizard was the best piece of advertising ever trumped up and sold as a movie. If you disagree, your argument is invalid. For The Wizard may have been but one of countless product-placement corpor-nightmares, but it was hocking the freshest of wares as its centerpiece: Super Mario Bros. 3.
Aside from that however, laid the gem in the movie. The Powerglove. In what is a classic scene, the product which didn’t really work happens to work really well. The results was one of the baddest dudes ever caught on celluloid, and countless kids begging their parents to buy them what was ultimately a completely unworkable piece of shit.
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Well this nonsense just turned out to be a trip down Nostalgia Avenue for me, with a couple of videos I came across this week drizzled in for good measure. Don’t call the column slapdash, or I’ll knock your gums about! But it was. Stay tuned next week for a return to normalcy, or whatever that means in relation to these parts.