OCTOBERFEAST – Halloween Hazzards!
[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]
The OCTOBERFEAST is building to its crescendo and all of the participants can’t help but bask in the forbidden glories. As they mash sugar-goodies into their teeth, and rot their libidos with images of vampyric floozies, and cackle after drankin’ one too many pumpkin brews, the celebrants begin downward-spiraling into a dark nirvana. This is exultation and catharsis and jubilation, a doppleganger-Mardi Gras with mountebank intentions.
Yeah, it’s a bit dangerous. But isn’t the risky behavior exciting?
OCTOBERFEAST is a candied spark of excitement. So, of course, it’s always met by a bitter parental figure with an oversized fire blanket.
The priests always swarm our rusted gates, clamoring that they need to be let in so as to thwart our demonic conjurations. Health inspectors try to examine our cauldrons, claiming that we didn’t properly clean the residue left by last year’s eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat, or tongue of dog. And the hippies always show up with signs claiming that our failure to use free-range sacrificial lambs makes us irresponsible consumers.
These folks, we can deal with. By ignoring.
But the ones that cannot – nay, must not – be ignored are those that attack Halloween, the pinnacle of OCTOBERFEAST. These worrywarts try to take all of the fun out of Hallow’s Eve by issuing annual reminders of some shit that went down years ago. It’s all been said before, but they hope to instill irrational fears into to any potential newcomers to the holiday. Simply put, the suggestions are tired and silly.
Yeah, we know – don’t wrap up children as toilet-paper mummies and then ask them to help you rearrange the candles! If Molesty Jim is your next-door neighbor, maybe don’t let the kids walk through his “haunted basement” unattended! Syringes sticking out of those caramel apples? Just toss `em in the barrel.
But alas, the warnings persist. Fortunately, most of the well-worn words of caution come in the form of homemade videos and public access public service announcements. So if we must listen to the enemy’s paranoid advice, at least we can chuckle and chuckle and chuckle.
Cue the OCTOBERFEAST projector, Brucie! We’re going to show our malignant ticket-holders just what the detractors have to say! These are the arguments against our very way of life!