OCTOBERFEAST – Paul Bearer
[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]
Paul Bearer is the most evil man in professional wrestling.
Sure, he may not seem menacing at first glance. The portly frame defies all cardiovascular recommendations. The ghoulish complexion suggests a proclivity for basement-dwelling. And the circles under his eyes imply that the dude can’t get through the day without a pot of coffee.
Yet, his managerial prowess and access to the most arcane of dark-realm secrets have enabled him to shape the careers of some of pro-wrestling’s most sinister figures. Would the Undertaker ever have been able to craft a career that now includes nineteen consecutive Wrestlemania victories all by his lonesome? I fuggin’ doubt it! Lest we not forget, there was actually a time in which the Undertaker gained power from the urn Paul Bearer carried to the ring!
How exactly did this urn amplify the brutality of tombstones and chokeslams? No one knows for sure, but I bet it has something to do with the fact that it contained the remains of hobos Bearer murdered during post-coital lunacy. Just a guess.
In addition to advising the Dead Man, Paul Bearer also aligned himself with numerous other creeps and freakshows. Most notably, Kane’s explosive debut was orchestrated by Bearer as a means of exacting revenge on his former protege. Dastardly! Also worth remembering are the runs that Bearer had with Mankind, the Executioner, and the Ministry of Darkness.
He’s as appalling and diabolical as he is crafty and sagacious.
So sure, Paul Bearer may look like an alternate dimension’s Gomez Addams, but he’s a bad motherfucker whose cut some mean promos in his day. Try as you might, there’s no resisting that smile crawling across your face when Paul Bearer rolls up. He’s grotesque but appealing, off-putting yet enthralling.
And if that ain’t sinister, I don’t know what is.