Press Start!: Super Mario and Christians Forget Mushrooms, Hit The LSD.
I am a sick man. I am a diseased man. While I wish I was the Man from Dostoyevsky’s Underground, I’m just a nerd. Afflicted with phlegm and nausea and a quivering of the bowels. So in all honesty, my friends, I’m pounding out this column quicker than Billy Batson can shazam the fuck outta Dodge. Gray and green and brown matter is flying all over my keyboard. I need the dull glow of Theraflu and the prone position.
Press Start!. Column that spouts off on top five things that caught my attention in gaming this week.
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#1: Last Week Was The Christian Game Developers Conference!
Where Christ Meets Killstreaks! Alright so obviously there isn’t any killstreaking going on at a gaming conference centered around Him!, the one and only. It’s an interesting concept though. A gaming convention dedicated not just to Christ, but primarily to Christian developers. Emphasis on the people churning out the games. It has to be a super awkward situation to be someone rather devout in the developers world. Praise Jesus! Blam! And the brain particles paint the simulated viewpoint a gooey red! Forgiveness! Turn the other cheek! Blam, blam! Overly-sexualized women and dudes with giant raging gun-phalluses.
The convention convened for the tenth time. According to Owen Good, this “year was plainly about spiritual and professional development, with keynotes like “Why Are You Here? Deciphering the Code,” leading off a day of discussions that also included “Monsters: The Imagination of Faith and Fear,” and “Christ: the Cosmic Hero.” Christ: The Cosmic Hero! I can just seem him blasting about in a fucking X-Wing, lighting up dudes and turning hydrogen atoms into water and the such.
Ah, to dream.
The convention also allows motherfuckers to network like us regular secular folk. Eucharists exchanged, high-fives given, business cards flaunted. It’s that sort of CGDC networking that gave birth to the Christian-powered Glory Be! Guitar Hero knock-off, Guitar Praise!
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#2: AJ Hateley Turns Classic Games Into Weather Book Covers. Swoon.
AJ Hateley has taken on a rather glorious project. Through the sort of artistic skill that I can only dream of possessing, Hateley has taken classic video games and turned them into the sort of worn-out, musty-looking book covers that give literature nerds like me a bit of the ole underwear friction. Hateley doesn’t just riff off of the games themselves, but instead gives the covers a thematic spin. I wish I could post some of them in the post, but they’re hi-res and table crushing. It would shattered the boundaries of blog, time, and space! You can check them out here on Hateley’s tumblr.
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#3: Kathie Lee Calls Gamers Over 30 ‘Weird’. Bitch I Cut You!
When people who spit venom and locusts from their ignorant lips say things I find to be offensive, I can react in two different ways. Sometimes I just shrug, and say to myself that if people are going to said person for advice they’re worthless anyways. Then there’s Raging Caffeine, who seethes at the misinformation and distortion flowing out of the Culture Suck. When Kathie Lee swung at video games this week, I seethed.
I seethed done good.
This week some clear yokel-dolt-should-be-sterilized human whose gender escapes me asked Gifford if it was normal for adults to play video games. Why this person was going to Gifford for this sort of advice is beyond me. Sterilize them and throw them in the back of the car! Anyways. So Gifford paused. Brilliant wheels turning. She, the clear master of dissecting cultural norms, took a moment of reflection that even Socrates would be proud of.
”No, that’s weird … Xbox.”
There you go! Glad she could clear that up for us. Part of me wants to point out that wasn’t her husband some sort of cross-dresser who had a righteous affair? But the liberal anarchist in me doesn’t want to demean cross-dressing, S&M, or good ole dude butt-drilling. So instead I’m going to be simultaneously amazed at how out of touch she is, and annoyed that she could lip-smack such a retarded opinion into existence. For people to accept as true.
Groan.
Double groan.
#4: Deadspin Editor Takes LSD and Tries To Recreate Ellis’ No-Hitter On Xbox
Is this a gaming story? I feel like it should it. It is the convergence of a few cultural staples. Staples that are dug deep into the flesh of our psyche. Drugs. Sports. Video Games. Back on June 12, 1970, Dock Ellis spun a no-hitter for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Later Ellis came out and was all like “Yo, I did that while tripping the fuck out on LSD”. That’s pretty fucking impressive, no?
Deadspin editor A.J. Daulerio decided that he would try and recreate the no-hitter, while tripping on LSD and playing MLB 2k11. Let’s just get this out of the way: he doesn’t do it. The video that follows him in his valiant effort is remarkable, as is his amusing non-fiction about it.
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#5: ModernWarfare3.com Redirects To Battlefield 3 Page.
If you follow this column or any of my gaming diatribes you know that I get a bit of the sticky pants for some Corporate warfare. Titans tussling amidst the pleblians. They want our dollar! How remarkable that they can not give a fuck about us, and yet fight so hard for our attention. I don’t know man, I don’t know.
Anyways.
The big titanic fight this fall is going to be between Modern Warfare 3 and Battlefield 3. EA is rallying their franchise for a throwdown with the Call of Duty beast. Battlefield 3 is coming out of the gate with a gorgeous new engine. Modern Warfare 3 is a slap-dash effort by a destroyed Infinity Ward and sledgehammer games. They will fight! Hair pulling.
Double anyways.
It is not just the Corporations that fight. It is also their legions of sycophants. Fanboys. In a stunningly awesome move, a Battlefield fan bought the domain ModernWarfare3.com. Not only did they buy it, but they’ve also set it to redirect to Battlefield 3’s official site.
Brilliant.
Love it.
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Anyways that’s my spiel for the week. What caught your eyes? What tickled your fancy? Hit me.