Press Start!: It’s E3. Gimmicky Controllers, TVs, and Franchises.

Press Start!, the week of E3. There was a time when E3 was a wondrous occasion. Those days are gone now, like leaves from a tree. With the advent of the Internet, everything is known weeks prior. Secrets exposed, dissected. Shit is passé before it’s even revealed. Take for example Nintendo’s Wii U. While I’ll admit that seeing any new console in motion gets me up, it would have truly blown my asshole out if they could have kept the entirety of it secret until the conference.

With that in mind, let us not spend the entirety of our fleeting brain-focus-capacities on regurgitating the quasi-reveals and appreciable moments of the Big Three at the show. Let us instead turn our ADD-addled brains towards shooting the shit about the show. Deal? Press Start!’s usual conceit is pressed pause in   lieu of some geek spit.

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Wii U. Gimmicky Bullshit, or Rock?
By far the most talked about thing at the expo   is Nintendo’s new system. Wii U! Yeah, dope as an adverb!  In some fields its remarkable because Nintendo finally entered the modern era. HD graphics, enormous disc sizes. In other fields it’s remarkable because they’ve channeled the glory of tablets and touchscreens into what appears to be a gamma-irradiated video game controller. Enormous. Bulging.

I’m a total slut for technology. I gasp for breath when pretty much anything is revealed. Shiny. Object. To fetishsize. The tablet-cum-controller is swank as a motherfucker. Why? I’m not really sure. Because it’s a neat piece of technology. Practicality is always diminished in importance in light of style. Sheen.

It isn’t all roses for the Wii U. When I boiled it down to its essence, it’s a gimmick that as of yet really doesn’t have any games. If this son of a bitch is shipping in March of next year, you think it’d have some games. First-party games. Some Miyamoto-character fueled son of a bitch to push the system.

Don’t get me wrong, the Zelda HD tech demo is pimp. It’s just a tech demo. Nothing else. The third-party games they were championing were nothing more than footage regurgitated from the PS3 and 360 iterations.

Nintendo’s stockholders were impressed either, with stock plummeting through the week.

Where do you fall? Gimmicky crap, plunging the gaming community into more of a morass, or a unique device? Or somewhere in the middle – a gimmicky device that holds potential.

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Microsoft, What The Fuck.
Microsoft has gone straight-off the goddamn rails. With the Kinect voice-recognition everything, they’re pushing me into a world I straight-up don’t want to exist in. Yelling at your Xbox to find shit for you seems fucking miserable.

“Xbox!, find ‘giving a shit’ for me!”

That isn’t just all though. They’ve gone insane with their Xbox avatar games. Who gives a fuck! I understand who this all appeals to, I just don’t feel a need to partake in it. Despite understanding it rationally, it aggravates me as more hardened gamer. If you want to tickle the pint taint of casual gamers and children, at least throw some fucking bones my way.

The highlight of the Microsoft conference was two third-party games for me. Gears of War 3 and Mass Effect 3. Yeah, I know. Condemn me for riding the big-money-franchise chain. Two third-party games. Where’s the first-party glory that interests anyone who isn’t nine years-old? Eh! Fucking tell me.

Oh don’t worry there’s Halo 4 coming in 2012, so everyone who doesn’t care about Master Chief can not get excited. The rest of the show was dedicated towards showing us how our Kinect can now scan us and turn our appearance into a super realistic avatar.

Let me tell you something, Microsoft. The reason I enjoy avatars is because they allow me to opt out of looking like I do in the tangible world. I have a receding hairline and a spare tire and non-existent fashion sense.

Fail, Microsoft!, fail.

You feel the same way as me? Or am I just a worked up fanboy.

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Sony Has Stuff.
Then there’s Sony. I have friends who enjoyed Sony’s conference at the expo. I don’t really feel any way regarding the people over at Sony. I wonder what their online plans are! LOL, overused zinger! They displayed some neat exclusive. Listen, I’m sweating Uncharted 3 like the aforementioned Big Market Big Money Big Franchise slut that I am. I can’t help but get excited for that.

If you want to get down to it, the dopest thing that Sony displayed was their new 3D television. Their gimmick! They want to take you into the third-dimension. Pfft!, the first three dimensions are so played out. This television is interesting for a couple of reasons. First off, mofuckah’ is cheap. Five-hundred ducets to take a plunge into James Cameron’s wet dream.

More than anything though, it offers the ability to get your multiplayer gaming fix on one television. You done a pair of glasses and you see your screen, whilst the person you’re playing with sees their own unique screen.

Welcome to the fucking future.

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Everything Else.
There’s life outside the big three, obviously. Though I suppose no matter what you do, you’re being sucked into their orbit. They run the show, you can just enter the different tents. Or some other awful metaphor I puke up from snapped synapses. Did anything catch your eyes with glee? I’m a slut for the big games. Mass Effect 3, Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, every single FPS. Sadly, sadly, sadly. Oh Jesus Christ!, don’t forget BioShock Infinite. In the more esoteric department, there’s El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron. Looks insane. I want. And for you and your Mom and/or life-partner, don’t forget Fruit Ninja Kinect!

It was E3. What’d you dig. What’d you hate. Let’s party.