Grand Theft Auto V Codenamed ‘Rush’, Set In LA?

The bubbling is beginning. Can you feel it percolating underneath the gaming community’s crotch? Soon, all shit Grand Theft Auto V will burst forth, slathering us in ultra-violence and profanity. Today, it inches closer. Apparently some dude named superannuation is a Google wizard, and is most adroit at digging up bullshit. Our boy super has gathered up information regarding a Take-Two Interactive casting call for a project codenamed Rush. Is this shit the GTA V news we’ve been frothing for? The ridiculous cast of FBI agents, yokels, hippies and mobster suggest it really may be! OH shit.

You be the judge.

Said Casting Call:

Mitch Hayes:
38 – Annoying, wise cracking, highly successful FBI agent. In great shape. Does triathlons, drinks low cal beer, but still has a sense of humor.

Miguel Gonzalez:
25 – Young Mexican American FBI agent, caught between a few mob bosses. Very clean cut

Clyde:
23 – Moronic, almost inbred and creepy white trash hillbilly. Very naïve but in a creepy “it’s only incest sort of way”

Brother Adam:
Welsh monk / cult leader / yoga teacher – 50, very lithe, very into exploring your personal tension through gripping massage. Needs Welsh accent.

Mrs Avery:
Neurotic soccer mom, home maker, 48, anxious and addled on pain killers. Very angry at neighbor MRS Bell.

Mrs Bell:
Swinger, and mellow Californian divorcee. 45. Ugly but comfortable with self.

Eddie:
47 – Weed evangelist, guy who started smoking at 30, and is now a leading proponent of marijuana’s fantastic properties. White, awkward.

Ira Bernstein:
56 – publicist for an actress known as America’s newest sweetheart who just so happens to love animals, orphans, drugs and sex. He’s always trying to hide her latest indiscretion.

Kevin De Silva:
18 – Albert’s fat, FPS playing gamer son. Smokes a lot of weed, has anxiety issues and a card for a bad back, very soft, very opinionated. Into making racist comments while playing online.

Harut Vartanyan:
42-52 years old – Armenian car dealer, moneylender, would be Fagin and would be bully. Heavily connected to the underworld, but irritates people so much no one likes him.

Nervous Jerry:
48 – paranoiac living in the sticks, near Simon, completely paranoid, and terrified of Simon.

Calvin North:
55 – clapped out FBI agent who now mostly works offering advice on TV shows – whose only claim to fame turns out to be entirely false – but a decent guy in other ways. Badly dressed. Divorced. Putting on weight.

Jerry Cole:
53 – disabled IT expert and criminal information vendor.

Rich Roberts:
English hardman actor, 35, who acts tough but who wants to do serious work – the only problem is he can’t quite read the words.

Alex:
white 52 yr old loosie goosie hippy rich guy who has lost his money and is getting desperate but trying not to.

Scarlet:
45-52 years old – unshaven female spiritualist and hippy with a love of exploring the wilderness. Very into journeys.

Chad:
29 – pretty boy misogynist Beverly Hills party boy. Made money, but not as cool as he thinks he is.

Tae Wong:
39 – somewhat incompetent Chinese mobster, loves doing ecstasy, going to raves.

Taes Translator:
45 – VERY STRAIGHT LACED Chinese translator, terrified of his boss’s dad. Male, awkward. Needs to speak Chinese.

Whatever the case, I’m fucking ready for GTA V. Let’s get this shit done, son!