THIS WEEK ON Dexter: Everything is Illumenated

Alright, check this shit out! First and probably last ever, Dexter live-blog! Well, it’s not coming to you live, but I’m going to squeeze this one out as the episode progresses. No idea how it’ll come out, but like I said to Tommy Parker in gym class all those years ago, let’s experiment! Kid decked me. Don’t tell my girlfriend. So if you’ve ever accurately described my Re-Ups as rushed, poorly edited, or off the cuff, you’re about to be correct a thousand times over.

Oh great, it’s the recap. Have you ever noticed how fucking long the recaps are? Between the intro, the recap, and the early ending time, I’m pretty sure Dexter episodes are only thirty minutes long. Frankly, if they cut out everything involving Angel and Maria, and Quinn, and Deb, and the episode was only ten minutes, I’d consider it a fair trade.

Everything is Illumentated? Ha! Oh great, Dexter monologue. Yeah, I get it. You’re complicated, bro. You’re a monster, and you’re upset. And stuff.

I have to say that I’m fairly depressed about the dissolution of Dexter’s family. It was a neat twist to the serial killer dynamic. And while inevitable, I’ve really been wondering the direction the show is going to take from thereon in. So far everything feels pretty fucking directionless.

Really, Dexter? Everything seems in its right place? Manageable? It’s great to know that it only took your wife getting gutted for that to occur. I’m glad to know that you can breathe easy now, given that your life is in shambles, and your kid doubles as a fucking coy device for furthering your blood rage.

Oh, are they going double narrative here? Lumen and Dexter both preparing for a kill that evening? In case you weren’t paying attention, Lumen is a Dexter analog, or something of that shit. You probably noticed that last episode when Morgan said over and over again, “You don’t know where this road leads! Roar! Roar! Don’t kill people. Especially innocent people. Like me! Have you seen my kid? He’s adorable! I use him to track down pederasts, and serial killers!

Hug him!

This live blogging shit is exciting! My tits are hard. Also, it gives me something to do when LaGuerta and Angel argue. Jesus Christ, this entire storyline is a nightmare. Angel is saying really hurtful things, but that’s okay, because he can slam a door and that’s pretty much like, telling Maria to go fuck herself. Her and her beautiful booty. Angel dude, you need some therapy. Or to go back to screwing hookers.

Oh, it’s that guy that apparently was Robocop. And he’s being really cute to Deb. But he’s got a good point, Pock Marked McGee, Quinn, is boning the sister of the guy he has a vendetta against. Not the brightest plan ever, but hey, when you absolutely have to bone the emaciated, curveless, potty-mouthed chick in your department, who cares who she’s related to? Get some!

What is this dog shit with Harrison cutely echoing his father’s behavior? Last week’s insipid twist that he’s somehow scratching other kids, and now Dexter is hearing him say “Die, Die!” Get the fuck out of here too, if you want to say that Dexter is projecting his own anxieties onto his kid.

Oh, Dexter is trying to kill someone, but someone is butting into his activity. How many fucking times is this going to happen? Well, by my estimates, every episode! Dex blathers on about how neatly everything is going, but low and behold!, Lumen is around fucking things up in Miami.

Surprise, Dexter! Only the most obvious thing ever. Next time make sure a chick gets on the plane.

Why the fuck is Dexter helping this chick out? And what exactly is the simple life that Dexter is protecting? He’s got a dead wife, his step-kids are gone, and his son is apparently already a sociopath. Yeah, go help Lumen.

What exactly is the sex appeal of Quinn? He’s heroin chic. He looks gaunt, orange, and his face is an exact replica of the moon’s surface. I am confused, to say the least.

–Oh really, Lumen! There’s so much blood! Go fucking figure. You know, you killed a guy. Now Dexter Morgan, known blood specialist for the Miami police department, is aiding a burgeoning serial killer. All of this seems like a really fucking poor idea, but hey, Dexter hasn’t made sense in a long god damn time. I can’t figure out of Julia Stiles is pretty or not. I can tell you that her facial expressions are pretty awful, but is she cute aside from them?

Oh Jesus Christ, now Lumen is working off of scents? Let me tell you something, Lumen! Almost all dudes smell alike. We stink like the desire to have sex, throw slabs of leather around, and some sort of offensively pungent body wash.

I have to give it to Dexter though, he’s pretty much a blood splatter Jedi Knight. It’s fun to watch him work, it’s just a shame that he’s doing it for a haggard woman like Lumen, who is doing nothing more than dragging this son of a bitch down.

She drops “Fuck you!” on him? Oh mon dieu. She deserves nothing less than a Ken Masters hurricane kick to the dome piece.

Oh Christ! Now Angel seems to be getting called to the crime scene. You know, where Lumen dropped the fucking ball. Let’s rattle off the amount of times that Dexter has had to oh my god totally clean up a scene prior to his own police buddies getting there. Why, I can think of a few right off the top of my head.

For my money? He’s going to get away with this shit!.

Oh golly the police are here! My advice? Give Lumen that god damn hurricane kick I was talking abo— oh Jesus, did I just hear “What are you?”, “Complicated” What the hell is this dialogue.

Dexter drops that this was an ordinary day until — “Lumen happened”? Man, this stuff is killing me.

Now that Lumen is detailing what was done to her, I’m once again advocating for Dexter to just up and begin killing rapists too. I mean, why the fuck not?

There you go, Angel! Begin hitting on a chick. Let’s ignore the fact that it’s your awful self-indulgence and insecurity that is submarining your relationship.

I’m beginning to doubt that Lumen knows what the hell is going on. I’m also beginning to doubt that she’s accurate about anything she’s spittin’ towards Dexter. Oh gosh, she just literally spit on that porky dude who is bleeding out. She has a potty mouth, too.

Meanwhile, the police are coming, the dude is probably waking up in Dexter’s car, and that Irish maid chick is still teasing me with her god damn sexy accent, and maternal instincts. Why am I always falling for chicks that can double as Moms? Get the fuck out of here, Freud! I don’t need your psychoanalysis.

She’s shoving her shoe into his mouth? I’ve seen this shit before. But usually there’s some sort of water sports going on too, and boobies, and the language is usually German.

Oh Jesus Christ, how the hell did he get her phone?

Are you kidding me? He really made that phone call, swearing about a fucking bitch, when they obviously knew that they would hear him? Ludicrous. Now I’m totally down with Porky McRapist dying.

Oh shit! Dexter snapped his neck! That was dope. What wasn’t dope was the “Die, die!” call back. This shit is super infatuated with the action movie call backs and dialogue.

Now the police are arriving. Cue Masuka making a thinly veiled sexual comment at any moment. Alright, crap, he still hasn’t made one. But he’s apparently a Blood Whisperer, too. They’re on to you, Dexter! On to you! By god, what if they find you!

Holy shit, amazing. Gay Rapist Dude just booked it way the fuck out of Morgan’s car, trailing saranwrap. This shit is actually getting interesting. And, he didn’t get far at all.

Autoerotic mummification? Well, I’ve never heard of this before, but I have to say that Masuka has officially come up with the best sexual fetish I’ve never heard of. Also, he’s now air masturbating. I can’t help it, Masuka is continually amusing me. Maybe it’s because I’m nothing more than a poor collection of dick jokes, and caffeinated veins.

Wait, so Dexter is now leaving the crime scene. Let’s see, impressive. Dude sets up a crime scene in four seconds, they all buy into it, and then he runs off? Remember when this show was only slightly implausible? Now it’s just god damn insane!

Oh Angel, you’re not a total piece of shit! You’re getting into the Cult of Death and Doom and stuff. That hot lady wasn’t you getting errant, it was your way back into the case. Yet, you’re still talking, and all of this is boring me again.

We’re segueing from one awkward relationship moment to one with Deb and Quinn. Ah, it’s all so unfortunate. But we’re probably in the home stretch of the episode. The caffeine is whispering to me, and it is telling me that I only have ten minutes until the Walking Dead. They’re still talking, and it’s going to end with Quinn sticking his orange dork into Deb’s canal. Do you think she’s so skinny that when he makes love to her, you can see his wiener poking through?

Lumen is sleeping naked in his bath? What an obvious exploitation of the reader’s affection for Rita. I’m super fatigued with everything about this show being absurdly convenient.

This scene with Dexter recalling Rita’s death is the first actual emotion I’ve felt for the dude in a while. Nice use of distorted camera angles, and over-exposure to drive home the nausea.

I don’t think that Dexter opening up to Lumen is going to end in anything but tears. But what can you do? I imagine he’s lonely. I think more than anything, this show’s pacing needs to be adjusted.

I want to say that the show has been too fast-paced, but the first few episodes bored the fuck out of me prior to Lumen’s appearance. But I was bored. And now that everything is super hectic, I want more personal moments for Dexter. Maybe I’m just a bitch, and a whiner.

Dexter and Lumen share a deep rapport! Goodness, didn’t’ you see this coming? I’ll explain it to the dumb kids in the back of the class: just like Lumen tried running away from her “safe” thing and trying something out, Dexter tried being a family man, and it all went to crap.

Oh god, he just dropped the Dark Passenger. They haven’t mentioned him yet this season.

Anyways, so now Lumen feels the same insatiably vacuity that Dexter did, both of them only gaining solace for moments when they kill people off. You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking these two are a power couple! Why don’t they just get their fuck and kill on, together? I mean, am I right? Yes? No? I don’t know.

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Well, that shit is over with. What’d you guys think? The experiment is finished! Next week, I’ll return to a less wordy, only marginally better written diatribe. And scene!