Press Start!: Rob Liefeld’s Red Throbbing Tits
This is Press Start! Weekly column where I run down five things that caught my eye in gaming this week. Shut the door, take off your pants, say a prayer, and let’s do this.
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#1: Running With A Shotgun Doesn’t Work In Real Life. Fuck.
It’s an incontrovertible fact: the shotgun is the greatest weapon conceived in any video game. It’s implementation in any game makes you feel like the baddest motherfucker in the world. A properly balanced shotgun blast to the tits of any enemy makes me feel, momentarily, like I may have a masculine bone in my body.
It’s awesome.
That’s why I was pretty bummed out to come across this news report that informs fellow gamers that you cannot run and gun in real life with a shotgun. How many times have I found myself running backwards, mowing down a horde of zombies? And how many of those times was I pretty sure I was prepping for the forthcoming zombie apocalypse? Figured I could just flip that shit into some training. But apparently it doesn’t work.
One gamer by the name of Bob Ruff did some serious research for all of us. Let’s see what Bob had to say:
I took my shotgun into a grassy field in an abandoned warehouse and then tried running backward at full speed and shooting at a target I had pinned to a broom handle and thrust into a bucket full of earth.
The result of this experiment was that I fell backwards about 70% of the time and injured both my back and my skull.
Amazing. So Bob-O went into an abandoned field, and continuously tried to run and shoot a shotgun. I love the fact that despite it not working the first time and that his experiment was hurting his back and skull, in the name of gaming science, he continued to test it. I mean, you don’t want to get a false positive, right? So he tried the experiment. Over, and over. If I could have only seen this dude, running backwards and getting his ass propelled by the shotgun blast, my day would have been complete.
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#2: Someone page Nietzsche, Beyond Good & Evil Returns In HD
Beyond Good & Evil is a legit cult title. Dropped back in the middle of last decade, played by almost no one, worshiped by almost everyone who did. I dug the fuck out of it, passed it around my group of friends like a polygonal floozy. We all moaned together. And then she was forgotten. Well! Last year came the ludicrously improbable news that BG&E was somehow getting a sequel. How was this possible? Who knows. Don’t ask, don’t tell, yo!
But this week, came the news that prior to the sequel dropping in Who Knows, 20Unsure, Ubisoft would be porting the original to HD. I couldn’t believe that shit. BG&E is up there with Half-Life 2 and Shadow of the Colossus with my total dickcrush titles of the last ten years, and I’m all too ready to play it in 1080P. Droppin’ on XBL and PSN as a download-only title, it’s giving everyone who missed this son of a bitch the opportunity to check it out.
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#3: Those Are Rob Liefeld’s Tits You’re Staring At
First off, click the picture to see Rob Liefeld in all his pure insanity. Despite his genius, I didn’t want to destroy form in order to convey it to you.
You back? Awesome. So, it’s no secret that I love Rob Liefeld. He’s pure teenage-boy hormonal insanity, even at the age of 43.He’s like the Ed Wood of 1990’s comic book artists. So this week, Penny Arcade did a comic to promote the upcoming game Comic Jumper. The comic strip was a butt-rubbing homage to Liefeld that I could love in all its insanity. In addition to the comic, Penny Arcade was giving away a 360 adorned in Comic Jumper artwork. How did you win it, though? You had to submit a picture of yourself striking a Liefeld-esque pose.
And that’s where the shit goes bananas. You see, Rob Liefeld himself entered the contest. With the picture above. How fucking awesome is that shit? An eerily lobsterfied Rob Liefeld taking a good humored jab at his own art style. You have to love the guy, if only because he’s so conscious of the noise surrounding his legacy. And not only that, but he’s not beyond posing with his tits hanging out, impressively toned but scorched body for the world to see.
Rob Liefeld, you are my hero.
#4: I’m Fucking Sick of Zombies In Every Game.
I dig zombies, I really do. Not to the point of being an undead aficionado, okay? But I dig them. This week, Dead Rising 2 dropped, and thousands of geeks rejoiced. I didn’t check it out, but I’m sure it’s awesome for those who gravitate towards that milieu. But also this week, we saw a storm of zombies raping and pillaging their way into other franchises. Treyarch confirmed that there will be zombies in Call of Duty: Black Ops, which was all but certain given that they put into their last CoD title, World at War. As well, we got a look at the zombies that are populating upcoming DLC for Red Dead Redemption.
Zombies! Fucking everywhere!
Financially, it makes sense, since people go ape shit for zombies. The undead! Oh hell yeah! Let me rub my genitals all over their decaying withering glory! But I mean stylistically? Just seems off. I know anyone who can wants to can easily avoid the phenomenon. Just don’t download the DLC, right? Case solved! But I mean, RDR had such a full and persistent world, that it seems like sticking zombies into them is a wonderful case of a shoehorn.
Am I grousing too much? Probably.
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#5: Finally What You’ve Been Waiting For. How To Turn Your 360 Into a Fucktoy.
I ain’t making this shit up. The website Household Holes is a handy guide for taking shit around your abode and turning them into fuckable orgasm-crafts. Toilet paper roles? One of the oldest in the business. I’ve been fucking toilet paper roles since my first hairs showed up. But an Xbox 360? Surely you jest, kind sirs! Why, you couldn’t have fathomed how to turn my dork-machine into a source for my minuscule dong-shaft! No wait, you have?
Tremendous!
Household Holes does the intrigued gamer a solid, and provides step-by-step points on how to turn your console into a mountable artifice of plastic and future-juices. They do caution however:
The sex-box can be very therapeutic for those who feel mistreated by a corporate giant. But the time and effort that one must undergo to transform the product into a sex-box can be tiresome and it has many of the same problems that the original sex-box struggled with.
Anything worth acquiring must be ventured to gained, am I right? We wouldn’t expect some humpery without some effort, right? Such an effort can turn what was previously often a Red Ring of Death into a Pink Ring of Pleasure.
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And that about wraps up me wasting your time. What gaming bullshit caught your eyes this week? Hit me.