THIS WEEK ON Dexter: My Bad

Welcome back Dexter, you slimy piece of shit! I didn’t realize how stoked I was for the season premiere of this show until I was moments away, with a little bit of the sac tightening from anticipation. While last season’s finale would have been a perfect coda to the entire series, I’m equally intrigued to see where they go with the show after blowing up the entire status quo.

After Rita was axed (or was it knifed?) by the Trinity Killer at the end of last season, Dexter spends the entire premiere in an understandable post-widowing funk. His guilt is understandable, seeing that the whole reason she was iced was because he was busy satisfying his hard-on for blood. Dude laments quite a lot, and goes through the typical motions: I’m not a human, I lie to everyone, my hair is a fucking rat’s nest (comb that shit dude), and I can’t do this.

By the end of the episode, we’re right where we expected to be: with Dexter realizing that he needs to try and commit to the family life, even if he has to supplement that shit with some helpings of murder, and stabby-stab every once in a while.

The highlight on Dexter’s end of the episode had to be the flashbacks to his initial date with Rita. In case you missed their not-so subtle subtext, the date was their entire relationship in a microcosm. Flashback pontificating! It was nice though, and served as the goodbye that Dexter couldn’t provide. So Dexter returns from the good life on the high seas, having made his peace within the dark walls inside his skull-plate.

Ready to move on, and shit!

All is not to last though. Douchebag McAcneface, Quinn, is totally onto Dexter. The great irony being, of course, that this is the one murder that Dexter didn’t commit. Quinn spent a good amount of time between seasons cutting weight, and returns svelte and ready to take a more prominent role in the series.

I’m not sure how I feel about Quinn picking up the scent of death that Dexter trails behind him at all times. The whole thing smacks of a total Doakes analog. Haven’t we already seen the Hard Ass Cop within the division make his personal mission to bring down Morgan? We’ve already seen a cop peer beyond the veil into Dexter’s legit world.

I suppose that he needs a foil every season, but coming off something as dope as Mitchell, the Quinn as Doakes twist strikes me as stale. Cue a season of Dexter trying to stay one step ahead of Quinn as we the audience clench our asses in fear that the dude is going to be turned out. A good amount of time will be spent rooting for the homicidal broseph to escape detection.

Also dude, Quinn, you shed all that weight between season, it’s probably time for you to pick up some new clothes. Get that shit tailored, son! If an assclown like me who bathes in Cheez-It crumbs feels your style is stumbling, you probably have to up your game. You look frumpy as fuck! You can do better.

Especially if you’re banging Deborah! God damn, yo! Well done, or something. Nothing says “I’m moist and you’re hard” like scrubbing your Sister-In-Law’s blood off your brother’s hacienda. I’m not sure how I feel about their hook-up. Particularly because I don’t like Quinn or his new dumb cheek bones. I’ve always feared that Deb was going to bring down down her brother out of some moral insistence, and her biblical knowledge of Quinny could ultimately perpetuate this fear of mine.

Can’t a murderous vigilante get some peace, yo? He’s cleaning up the streets of murderers!

Wait, is he? For me to actively root for our boy Dexter, he needs to keep nixing dudes to the serial killers, rapists, and other breakers of human decency. Those who threaten the fabric of society. Not dickbags.

I’ll float you this one senseless murder, Dex. And uh, the innocent murder at the beginning of season three. And last season’s mistaken murder of that douchey photographer. But c’mon, dude! My entire stake in you is predicated on the fact that you’re like the goddamn Batman, but with knives instead of karate kicks.

But yeah, consider this my last gimme. Just cause some piece of social refuse gave you some shit and made some oh so uncouth comments about your Zombie Wife slobbering his knob, don’t mean you can bludgeon the dude’s pate into paste. Sure, you had a rough day, but c’mon.

You’re on the side of light!

So the stakes are set. The players in motion. Dexter is the newly widowed father trying to maintain his family and his thirst for body bags. Quinn fulfills the point of dramatic tension regarding Morgan’s nocturnal hobbies. And the preview hinted at the predictable but still enjoyable other serial killer or killers that populate the streets of Miami. I’m game.

What’d you guys think?