Press Start!: The Giant Monkey Kidnaps the Princess, Then Rapes Her?
Welcome to Press Start! The place where I uh, do stuff and ramble a lot about video games. I’m going to level with you guys, I have a god damn head cold that won’t quit. This entire column is powered by Sudafed and the hazy feeling that antihistamine bring upon me. In other words; it’s sort of half-assed! Apologies. You’ll never know the difference, so low is the bar I set for myself. Here is it, the five things that caught The One Dork Eye of mine this week, in no particular order, and without anything resembling sense. Hit me in the comments box with your list of happenings.
Onward! Upward!
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#1: Bioshock Infinite Gameplay Drops Ten-Minutes of Bonery Onto Fans
It almost doesn’t seem fair. Bioshock Infinite isn’t dropping until some time next year, and here we are in September staring at ten-minutes of pants tightening glory. And if you’re any sort of a fan of awesome or Bioshock, you’re going to produce a sordid amount of cream in your pantaloons. A good friend of mine crunched the numbers, and did some science, and proclaimed that this footage is in fact beyond boners. A crack team of scientists are trying to calculate exactly what the appropriate juvenile expression for this game shall be, since clearly it is something more righteous than a blood-flooded cock.
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#2: Donkey Kong Country Returns Pre-Order Gift is Strangely Erotic
There’s always something strangely erotic about Donkey Kong. At least to me. And that probably isn’t worth of remark, since I have the maturity of a fifteen year-old. But still. Today I was thinking about how the entire premise of Donkey Kong is that he kidnaps this white chick, and I presume he’s going to do some vag-splitting horror on her after he takes care of that fucking plumber.
[Aside: It also seems like a creepy Japanese manifestation over the fears of miscegenation.]
Even more terrifying is the fact that everyone is down with DK, despite his dubious beginnings. Like, now he gets to roll around kicking ass and hanging out with his brood like he wasn’t a serial monkey rapist back in the day. What the fuck is that shit?
Nonetheless.
Nonetheless, this week Nintendo revealed the pre-order bonus you get when you drop some money down on Donkey Kong Country Returns over at Gamestop. A strangely erotic glove that you can slip your Wiimote into. What exactly is the functional purpose of this gift? I’m not sure. It’s a fucking condom shaped like a banana. I find it amazing though, and can’t help but want it for some inexplicable reason.
I want a banana condom.
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#3: MTV Gets Resident Evil Actors to Quote Lines From The Game
True confessional type shit: I saw Resident Evil: Afterlife. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it as some exceptionally awful action movie, that you can enjoy for all of its skillfully poor execution of action movie tropes. In three-dimensions! A concept which seemed to flummox Paul W.S. Anderson, so he just used bullet time to fling things at the screen.
Anyways.
So with that in mind, I was pretty pumped to find this video. MTV News got the actors of Afterlife to act out some of the classically brutal lines from the series. Any dork worth his weight in Claire Redfield cosplay can quote these lines. Sadly. So what is the greatest thing in life? Getting the shitty actors to quote shitty lines from Resident Evil. There’s some sort of righteous meta-commentary going on here, because there are countless lines from the movie which are actually worse than these lines.
Keep giggling, Milla Jovovich. You can’t act nor are you the Master of Unlocking like Jill!
#4: The New Dante Design is Fucking Awful
Last week, within the halls of Press Start!, an intrepid poster commented that he was worried about the Dante design from the new Devil May Cry. My friend, I am right there with you. I didn’t comment last week because I was trying my hardest to be stoked, and not dwell on the bullshit.
But it’s terrible.
I know that Dante has never a dude designed with reality in mind. Like, his get-up in Devil May Cry 3 was ridiculous. But a beat-up looking emaciated asshole? C’mon Ninja Theory. You guys are better than that. And yeah, I know it’s probably a bit pedantic and ass-tight, but you took away the dude’s customary white hair? What’s up with that shit! You know this design isn’t going to take. We’re already ripping our pubes out and screaming at the stars. When everyone barfed blood over Cole’s redesign in inFamous 2, Sucker Punch listened and returned to something reminiscent of the original.
Do us all a favor? No? Bummer.
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#5: Billy Mitchell Falls Before the Powers of Good
It already got some pub over here, but I would be remiss if I didn’t do a second congratulatory lap for the powers of Steve Wiebe. Dude took out Billy Mitchell’s previous high-score to fell the Evil Empire of Hot Sauce and Mullets. The ebb and flow between good and evil continues to find some sort of equilibrium.
It feels as though Wiebe’s victory is transient, I mean, we all know that Mitchell is going to try and conquer the score. But it’s sort of like at the end of Jedi, you know their shitty little Alliance can’t possibly stand up the burden of actually running the galaxy. And invariably, some sort of shit-sore is going to rise up and conquer their dumb assery. Especially if, according to the god damn Prequels, they can’t sense a fucking Sith Lord even if they’re standing right next to them!
Anyways, that’s some sort of painful extended metaphor. But we know Mitchell Strikes Back! is but imminent.