Pixelation: Fuck! Welcome Back to the Dance, Nintendo.

Aiight, here’s the deal. Every Wednesday I’m going to pop off on something gaming related under the title of Pixelation. The idea being that any blog sort of barfs up and churns through bullshit. And hells to the yeah!, I’m going to continue doing that. A big part of OL is that I go fucking insane when I see something that excites me, and I love sharing it with my friends. Gaming news, movie trailers, comic books. Whatever. Blah, blah, blah. But it wouldn’t hurt to add some original content. If you call profanity-laden tirades or ejaculations about something in the gaming world original. It may be some sort of bullshit reflection, or keyboard warfare against something that excites me. I can promise you several things: it’ll be stream of consciousness, riddled with spelling errors and profanity, and probably not well thought out. You’ve been forewarned.

Nintendo has done the impossible this E3. They’ve made my cock hard. Like, seriously. Dripping like woah. For the longest time, my Wii has sat in my entertainment center, a kickbitch device that did nothing more than collect dust. Nintendo, sensing the fact that there were a lot of dickfarts like me who were totally okay with not waggling our Wiimotes at bowling games and shit, actually brought games to this E3.

No shit! GTFO! Rly? I was stunned. My Nintendo Wii is more or less my Miyamoto player. Or whoever is directing Super Mario Galaxy and the Zelda franchise at this point. Don’t be a dick, I know I’m uninformed. And too lazy to look that shit up. But since there’s only a Mario game every two years, and Zelda every god-knows-when, the thing sits around waiting to be stroked. At best, over the past couple of years, it’s been the source of near fist-fights between Pepsibones, myself and friends as we rock out to the Gamecube Mario Strikers.

I began losing my shit at the announcement of the new Zelda. I know every time Link takes to whipping Epona and trying to save Zelda’s dumb ass, again, what I’m going to be getting. The same formula plus some mechanics tweak that make the game fucking awesome. That’s a scientific fact. But fuck yeah, I could actually see a time when I would be playing my Wii again. Having just completed Super Mario Galaxy 2, I had laid my sweet Wii to rest. Good buy you little piece of cheap white plastic and gimmickery. I’ll love you. Always.

But Zelda? Ohhhhh shit.

Super fucking dope. But then Nintendo dug deep for their next jimmy tug.

They brought back Donkey Kong. Fucking Donkey Kong.

If we’re spitting scientific facts, Donkey Kong Country was one of the dopest games ever. Yeah, I know that’s a loaded statement, since the Super Nintendo was bursting from the ass with classics. You don’t need to give me the rundown, I already know them. It’s also a scientific fact that the Super Nintendo was the greatest gaming system ever. Maybe. I don’t know if I’ll mean that always, but I mean it right now.

Donkey Kong Country hit with a thunder, and then slowly faded into mediocrity, and ultimately, into dogshit. Yo Rare, thanks for Goldeneye, and Blast Corps. But you turned Donkey Kong into a fucking fetch quest, and for that I’ll despise you forever. Sry. Seriously. All of a sudden my boy Donkey was reduced to running around a stage collecting bananas and shit. Seriously, bros?! That’s what you want him to do?

And naw dog, they ain’t bringing him back in some 3D bullshit. Maybe it could work, I mean, why not? But naw, Retro Studios, duders behind the Metroid games until Team Ninja began rocking on Metroid: Other M, are bringing this shit back correctly. They’re going two-dimensional on our asses.

Fucking.

Awesome.

There was something glorious about Sonic coming back this year, and bringing the heat in 2D. It’s like all of a sudden gaming companies are realizing that even douchebags like me who fuck their HDTV, splooge on their 5.1 system, and are complete whores for a theater experience are sometimes cool with returning to what made a franchise so god damn radical back in the day.

All of a sudden, my asshole was spinning. New Zelda? Old school Donkey Kong? Surely you fucking jests! Slap that shit on top of Metroid: Other M, and all of a sudden there’s an actual gaming line-up on the Wii that I actually give a fuck about. Hell to the yes! Sure, it’s what, three games? But you have to understand, yo! I’ve gone months, fuck it, years where my Wii just sat alone in insolation, realizing its neglect. It was aware not only of how useless I found it, but how dissappointed I was in it.

Ian, it said.

Ian, I’m sorry, it cried.

Ian, just play a Gamecube game on it.

Ian, please, just slip something in me.

And I was all, naw dog. I’m sorry. You ain’t doing nothing for me.

In an E3 where Sony and Microsoft were off showing their dongles and their motion controls, and their casual dogshit that Nintendo had inspired them to create, the masterminds behind the devolution of gaming into Shitty Diaper Grandmas playing WiiFit, surfing as their saggy tits sat like sandbags around their ankles providing (cheap, hax!) extra support, brought actual games. Up was down! Horde and alliance were buddies! That ain’t to say that I’m not an Xbox fanboy anymore. And uh, I’m sure there’s something I’ll be using my PS3 for. Probably Blu-Ray titles.

But damn Nintendo. Actual games? Welcome back.