THIS WEEK ON True Blood: Pack of Wolves

Motherfucking True Blood! It’s back! And it didn’t suck! Yes, righteous, awesome, et cetera. I had an inkling that I actually enjoyed True Blood, and it was something I was certain of by the time the “Last Season on True Blood” ran prior to last night’s season debut. With knowledge in hand that certainly Maryann was dead, Eggs was fucking rigor mortis, and nothing could be worse than the last five episodes of last season, I dove in. And it was fucking assloads of fun! Literally!

I mean, jesus christ, how many ass shots did they give us last night? Not that I don’t think it was warranted. All last season was like, copious tits and orgies. Where were the dude butts at? Sure, there were the scenes where Sookie fantasized about Eric and he was laying in bed with her and stuff. But still, where was the butt at! Well, we got it last night. Jason’s butt, Eric’s butt, where the fuck was Andy’s butt? I was hankering for some cavernous, hairy, unrelenting butthole. But whatever, I can’t complain, can I?

The season premiere had Bill getting kidnapped by a bag of dicks who are apparently werewolves. Wut? Say wut? Alright, this is already cool. I can get down with werewolves. Even if they’re fucking hillbillies that ultimately get owned by good ole Billy Compton. We get to see Bill sans Sookie, and it was right around that point that I realized something: Sookie is a blackhole of gap-toothed suck. Everything that gets sucked into her orbit is mired in suck, infected with her Jack-O-Lantern evil.

How do I know this?

Bill was fucking rad last night. From digging himself out of a grave to snacking on ole Grannie Stinky Puss or whatever her name was, to throwing down with werewolves, he exuded cool in a way that I forgot he could. It’s amazing what the guy can do when he’s not being written as a litany of syrupy proclamations of love.

SOOKIE I LOVE THEE

SOOKIE, I CANNOT ALLOW THEE TO ENDANGER ONE’S SELF

SOOKIE, YOUR HEART IS BUT AN EMBLEM AS GORGEOUS AS THE CONFEDERATE FLAG.

And on and on and on. Rock on Billy Compton. I can adore you, it appears, under the right circumstances.

Meanwhile, as Bill is getting kidnapped and eating old women, his sexy vampiric creation Jessica, is falling into a world of trouble. I have a hard time focusing on whatever sort of trouble she’s in, since I find her ridiculously sexy, even when she’s covered in blood and mistakenly killing dudes. C’mon Jessica! You gotta lay off the manflesh and keep your heart with Hoyt! He’s totally like, a nice guy and stuff.

Jason Stackhouse continues to deserve his own show. Andy and him could like, I don’t know, fall into some formulaic buddy cop show, and I would be totally sold. Every minute the dude is on the screen, something hilarious is happening. Or we’re seeing his ass. And admit it, regardless of gender or ethnicity, that is an ass that mesmerizes.

Not making complete light of Jason however, I dig the complications of his character. He continues to be a dumb ass, but his pangs of conscience intriguing to watch. Especially since they make his cock go wet noodle and the what-not. But no, seriously, he’s always been an intriguing character, and I hope he gets a lot of screen time this season. Fucking shit, he sure beats his sister, that’s for sure.

While it would be ridiculous for him to endeavor some sort of denouement that left him a completely changed man, the idea that he is haunted by murdering Eggs is an interesting twist for the dude.

Also, “Conscience Off, Dick On” is going to be the line of the season. And “If we’re going to be roommates, you’re going to have to deal with a certain amount of pussy overflow” was classic as well.

Meanwhile, Sookie and Jessica continue to run around looking for Bill. BILL, BILL, BILL! I’m surprised that when she shouts, the wind doesn’t whistle between her teeth.

While I like staring at Eric because I wish I could be him, I’m tired of his pensive glare and his inability to do anything cool. Yeah dude, you’re just sitting there while a chick is dancing. Yeah dude, you’re fucking a chick in fastforward. Seriously though, how is her vagina not exploding morsels of vulva and blood? Someone explain that to me. Are vampire cocks a natural salve? I’m lost. I’m seriously lost.

So Eric was totally going to kidnap Bill, but then he totally didn’t, but it’s complicated because That Puffy Pimply Chick Queen was selling blood and, and, and snore. Even worse is going to be when Eric agrees to help Sookie out of concern for her. I’m going to barf all over the vagina-mush he exploded when he was banging that chick at 8-Times.

As Gandalf says and shit, the players are in motion, shit is going down, hobbits are hugging and crying. I’m not sure how that applies to True Blood, but it does, okay? Season three entered with a bang, banging, werewolves, and a couple of epic lines, including the frame taking us into next week, “I must warn you, I have fed.”