THIS WEEK ON LOST: What They Died For

I’m going to tell you something, and you’re not going to believe me. I had faith that last night’s episode was going to be good. No, seriously. I spent all yesterday talking with friends about LOST, and I kept saying the same thing over and over again. “Yeah man, I don’t know, I just think it’s going to be good.” It’s faith though, yo. What was it based on? Just pure gut. Call me Jack Shephard. I texted my friend Tommy, I talked to Pepsibones. It was going to be good.

There’s something about being an idealist, or an optimist, or whatever you want to call it. But I always believe the best is going to happen somehow.

And sometimes! Sometimes I’m correct. Usually I’m wrong. But I wasn’t last night. What They Died For was easily one of the best episodes of the season, and it’s probably in my Top 10 of the series. Yeah, I went there. It was one of those episodes where LOST is hitting all its high notes. Ridiculous WTF moments, mythos building, and some emotional bullshit thrown into the mix.

I’ve made my ass-crush for Jacob known all season long. Perhaps it’s because I relate to his unyielding optimism. Despite the fact that he’s watched for centuries as man has let him down, he continues to believe that they have the potential for good. I mean, if he hasn’t been crushed by thousands of years of selfish behavior, how could I let Lindelof and Cuse break me in one week? Call my ass adamantium, ’cause my will is unbreakable.

Jacob sits down the remaining candidates and explains to them what they have to do, they have to kill Smokey. Does this not make sense to anyone else? I have always understood that there needed to be balance on the Island, and if MiB was dead, wouldn’t that throw off the scales just like Jacob did? Intriguing. There’s also always the chance that Jacob is using for the sort of Obi-Wan double speak that has rocked out throughout the entire show.

“What do you fucking mean he killed my father, Kenobi? You fucking liar! Don’t give me that manner of speaking bullshit! Ghostly prick!”

Last week there was a serious wrinkle thrown into the whole “The point of the Island is to prevent him from leaving” bullshit, when that Annoying Mom from Juno told the two Wonder Twins that their job was to “Protect the Light”. I just puked in my mouth a little bit. So maybe, perchance, Jack’s role is to dismiss Smokey and then protect the Honeypot Glowing Vagina at the center of the Island?

Bueller? Anyone?

If anything came out of last week’s train wreck of an episode, it was the humanizing of Jacob, and I sort of dug on that. What I took from Survivor: The Island where all the Candidates and The Lecherous Freckled One sat and spoke with Jacob is that the dude done fucked up by throwing MiB into the Honeypot. Some sort of odd corruption took place when he dinged that donkey-wheelin’ douchebag out and he floated into the light. Smokey was born, and it then became Jacob’s job to protect the light at the center of the Island, and prevent Smokey from leaving.

In a manner of speaking, I am reading the two jobs to be mutually exclusive at this point. Smokey taking off from the Island would extinguish the light, and so Jacob/Jack has the wonderful task of preventing him from leaving, and then preventing anyone from corrupting the light.

Two things:

First off, I dig the human twist to Jacob. There’s something romantically awful about his plight. The guy’s spent thousands of years trying to prevent Smokey from leaving, while living under the notion that he was eventually going to be killed. Jacob is some weird Cain from Cain and Able. A man filled with good, yet charged with killing his own brother and having to live with the consequences. That shit is heavy! Dude needs a hug.

Secondly, how exactly would anyone find the light if they weren’t deserving of it? Isn’t that the general gist of this week and last’s week episode? It seems to be what he told Jack when he totally became THE ONE.

Desmond totally is Morpheus. If you didn’t get that when he told Ben that he needed to “Let it all go“, then your memory of The Matrix is hazy and you suck. Wait, you haven’t seen The Matrix? Your Suck Factor just doubled. I can’t get enough out of Desmond orchestrating everything to bring all the people of Oceanic 815 back together. The fact that he’s wielding this knowledge of the these two realms and it working to affect some sort of change is righteous.

I mean, he’s going about nearly killing people to get them to see the light is fucking rad.

It’s so totally Tyler Durden. As he smashes Ben’s face into bits, he’s all giving him a near life experience and Ben totally wakes-up!

Fucking awesome. He’s only a combination of my two favorite movies of all time. (No one tell Star Wars what I just said.)

Desmond is the nexus between these two realms. I have no idea what exactly LAX is, or how it fits into everything, but it’s clear that Desmond is bringing everyone together at the concert performance that Pierre Change is rocking out to. To what end? I have no idea.

At this point, I’m fairly certain that the climax of the show is going to take place in LAX. This is going to severely piss some people off, but what can you do? Whatever sort of resolution is going to happen is not going to take place on the Island, but rather in this Splinter Universe/Consequence Plane or whatever you want to call it.

Desmond is the Fail Safe, whatever the fuck that means. What connection does he have to the pocket of energy that Faraday wanted to unleash, and how does that tie in to LAX and more importantly what is happening on the Island now.

Oh shit, it’s Smokey and the Bandit Time!

I completely filled my pants when Linus popped a cap in poor Chucky’s ass. Until that very moment I was expecting him to pull some sort of double-move on MiB, and totally save the day. I don’t know why I actually suspected that Benjamin would ultimately redeem himself. Egg on my fucking face!

Really though, what would you do if you had the chance to avenge your daughter’s death? What does Ben have to live for off the Island? So why not roll the dice with the Devil and see where that takes you? There’s always the chance that Ben’s still up to something, but more than likely I think he’s going to Ride or Die with El Diablo until the very end.

There had to be a moment where he was standing over the buried corpse of his daughter with Dicky Alps when he was like, what the fuck is this shit? The dude who killed my daughter is on this Island and I’m running around trying to help this guy out? Wowzers. Maybe.

I don’t know. What the fuck were the Walkie Talkies for? Does anyone know anything? Smokey and the Bandit! Ruff Ryders in killing and capping asses and stuff.

Speaking of Richard.

How is one dude so fucking hot? Last night my friend Tommy, Pepsibones, Tommy’s girlfriend and I all swooned at the sight of him. Not only is the dude so fucking hot, but he’s a total bad ass. He goes outside and he speaks to the Devil. He’s like, I’m going to straighten things out, just fucking wait. And he just walks out there, and he lays the shit down. Case closed, don’t worry about it.

Wait what!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! One minute, Ricardo is gorgeous as fuck, trying to work out a deal with the Devil, the next minute he’s being jettisoned into the air? I mean, it’s cool that Dicky was granted the gift of flight, but seriously, he can’t be dead. He can’t be. This would be the lamest thing ever.

If this is his death, he died a stormtrooper’s death. No buzz. No hubbub, nothing. Just thrown of the screen. Like some lame clone of Jango Fett. Like a red shirt. Like some asshole Jack Bauer mows down while running through a hallway with two pistols spitting hot fire. This really can’t be his death.

Can it?

If Richard is death, it also raises one of my chief complaints for this season, what the fuck is the point of half the characters?

Widmore returns to bring Desmond to the Island as a Fail Safe, only to eat some bullets in the gut. So what the fuck is going on, exactly? At the end of the episode, MiB proclaims that he’s going to have Desmond help him destroy the Island. Now, I’m not a genius, or even of average intelligence, but I have a sneaking suspicion that just maybe, this is also what Jacob would have wanted Desmond to do. As a Fail Safe, in order to prevent Smokey from leaving, maybe Jacob wanted Desmond to create some sort of pocket dimension, and sink the Island, and, and, and, fuck.

Yeah, I got nothing.

All I know is that at the beginning of this season, we’re greeted with the sunken foot. Which, at this point, leads me to believe that perhaps Smokey has won? Or perhaps the goal was one and the same? What is curious though, is that the Island, in LAX, is sunk in 2004. And on the Island, they’re in 2007. So wait, huh? How does the Island get sunken back in time, or something?

Dammit. My brain hurts.

What the case, it’s readily apparent that the two realities are bleeding together. What is LAX? I got no fucking idea. But there’s so many fucking moving parts, it has to be rushing towards some convergence of the two realities. I no longer believe LAX is an epilogue, since some serious shit is going to be going down in it soon.

Jack’s off being the Chosen One, Desmond is fucking who knows where, MiB and Ben are hunting him down, to have him destroy the Island, somehow. There was so much shit going on in this episode, that I can barely touch it all. I didn’t mention Ben totally hanging out with Hot As Fuck Rousseau, and a bunch of other things, but that’s where you guys come in. Rock the comments section.

All I know is that this episode was fucking epic as fucking shit. And say what you want about the season. It’s been ponderous, and slow, and at times really fucking bad, and at times really fucking awesome. But this episode was a total mindfuck, and a syringe of adrenaline to the guts of the show. Whatever this season has or hasn’t done for you, the final episode on Sunday has been set up to be some big, frothy load all over our gleeful faces.

I can’t wait.