THIS WEEK ON LOST: Across the Sea

As I laid awake in bed last night, I contemplated the insane amount of time I have dedicated towards writing about, talking about, and thinking about LOST this year. From beginning in January by writing an article a day for an entire month, to taking screen captures relentlessly to provide you with retarded facial expressions, to writing absurdly long recaps of every episode of this season, I have been all LOST, all the time.

Last night, I watched what I feel is the worst episode of LOST. Ever. Worse than Nikki and Paulo. And I’ll tell you why. Nikki and Paulo were a couple of terrible characters that in the long run, didn’t do anything other than waste our time. Last night, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse bent over, and took a big bloody shit on the entire mythos of LOST.

Not only did they show us the midichlorians like I feared, they then decided to explain the midichlorians’ midichlorians. They spent an hour needlessly explaining things that would have been perfectly fine unexplained. And in doing all of this explaining, they created a universe of utter ridiculousness beyond the scope of ridiculousness in which LOST already exists. They took muddled concepts that were cool because they were never explained, and made them insensibly more complicated and lame.

So lame.

What an absurd world of convenience they built last night. Let’s see Jacob and Smokey are twins? Really? How heavy-handed and retarded is that? And in case you missed it, the dichotomy that separates the two of them, after immediately being shit out of some woman we’ve never met before, they’re wrapped in blankets of white and black. Just in case you couldn’t put it together. That’s what is wrong with LOST this season, an inexplicable drive to replace all of their vaporous bullshit that stemmed from sloppy writing with hard line answers that stem from sloppy writing. They have crossed the chasm, switching from one extreme to the other.

After shitting out the unexpected MiB, the Mom comments that she only had “one name” and yeah, we never get MiB’s true name. It’s amazing that with all the awful demystification we’re given in this episode, we can’t get the guy’s lame fucking name.

Amazing.

Amazing! That’s the one detail they skimp on.

At some point in the episode the Step-Mom from Juno takes Smokey and Jacob to the Glowing Vagina at the center of the Island. This is what they’ve been protecting the entire time.

Wait, what?

I thought the entire point of the Island was to prevent evil from getting out. And now it’s to prevent people from taking the light? As well, what the fuck is this, the Lion King? I mean, there’s some “light” inside of every single human being? Jesus fucking Christ, what is happening to this show? This sort of drippy, tear-soaked dogshit love bullcrap that I can’t even conceive of someone writing. Let alone Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, who have ushered me through some of my favorite television ever.

MiB decides he’s not cool anymore and he wants to leave the Island. Now we know he’s been a whiny bitch since forever, but that’s okay because Jacob is a weepy Momma’s boy. He goes to live with the people on the Island, and they figure a way to get off of the Island. Somehow it has to do with electromagnetic currents and shit. And then the show really just begins fucking farting and shitting inside of its underwear. Oh my God Jesus fucking Lord help me.

The annoying bitch Mom goes down and we see MiB making the fucking donkey wheel. The fucking donkey wheel. Ready for this? Somehow, the fucking PRIMITIVES on the Island, have figured out that like, there’s light or something.

Wait, what?

And then MiB realizes that by building a fucking donkey wheel, he can do what exactly? He tells us, that he’s going to make an opening, in the wall, and uh, attach the wheel to a system the fucking PRIMITIVES who speak LATIN devised with them. And this fucking system is going to CHANNEL THE WATER AND THE LIGHT, and this SOMEHOW, fucking SOMEHOW, teleports the Island.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Seriously who in their right fucking mind decided this sounded more cool then leaving it unexplained? A system, devised around water and light, by the Guy They Think They’re So Clever Not Naming and a bunch of fucking early-ass yokels is going to teleport them all off the Island. What the fuck is going on? How the fuck does this make any sense? I’m so fucking confused.

He knows though, because he’s SPECIAL, MAH.

Wait, what?

If he’s known about the donkey wheel, why hasn’t Smokey just fucking used it at this point?

And then we see how Jacob is immortal, and so is Richard. I bet you were like, wait, how does Jacob make Richard immortal? Oh, he totally gets him to gulp wine. No, I liked Jacob more when he had rad ass powers, and was super mystical and no one really knew how his shit worked.

But it’s okay, because in passing the Mom manages to mention that going down into the Glowing Honeypot Vagina of the Island will result in something “worse” than death. Uh, okay.

Wait, what?

Alright, calm down, let’s talk about it. So everything is orchestrated, and their Mom dies, and then Jacob gets like totally pissed. He dings out dumb MiB and throws him into the light at the center of the Island. And then we’re given the Smoke Monster. So uh, is Smokey actually MiB? I’m sort of reading it that way.

I mean, I thought that Jacob and MiB couldn’t kill one another? So I presumed that throwing him into the center of the Island somehow released him from his corporeal form or some shit. Hence seeing his body, after Smokey emerges.

But you know what? Who fucking cares? Either MiB is Smokey, and it was the lamest way to explain him becoming Smokey, or, it’s another needless complication of the series. Here’s the thing – my fucking brain hurts. And every new turn just makes my brain hurt more.

Maybe he’s just taking the form of MiB, and throwing the dumb fuck into the Honey Pot just released him? Maybe Smokey can’t kill Jacob because he’s the guardian, who has to protect the light/darkness. Perhaps what he was throw into is ultimate good and ultimate evil. Who fucking knows. Why these complications with two episodes left in the show? That’s what I’m saying.

And who killed the entire village of people? Their Mom? Or was it Smokey, who isn’t actually MiB, but instead is…

Wait, what?

But it’s totally cool! Because we get to see Adam and Eve! In fact, they even cut to the initial time when the Gang of Fucks came across A&E, and they took the black and white stones. It’s amazing! It’s so totally cool that they went back and referenced that remarkable finding!

Oh lord.

Oh sweet lord.

The only good thing about that scene was Matthew Fox with his shirt off.

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You know, I don’t want to keep writing. I hated everything about this episode. Everything. I actually must have greatest emotional problems than I originally suspected, because I can’t describe how much last night’s episode bummed me out. It cost me sleep. It drove me to drink (diet Mountain Dew.) I don’t even want to talk about it, and yet, I think the only way I can feel better about it is to talk about it.

I don’t know.

I feel like barfing up all over myself and then painting on my wall with said vomit “YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.”