Variant Covers: Eminem Vs. Superman Slap Fight!

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world where Eminem can rock out beside the Punisher. What the fuck?]

Superman: War of the Supermen #1

Super-shit is about to hit the super-fan this week. DC is kicking off its next extravaganza, War of the Supermen. It’s pretty simple, really. Superman is throwing down with a bunch of other Kryptonians. Lead, of course, by General Zod. I know that the general consensus is that Superman is a lame asshole, but I can’t help but dig on the dude.

When written well, I find him to be pretty intriguing. Unfortunately, that seems rare, no? But if you doubt me, yo, just check out Kingdom Come or All-Star Superman. If you don’t dig that shit, just pretend you do and we can continue being e-acquaintances.

I haven’t been following Superman lately, but I’m hoping back on the bandwagon with this shit. It’s a four-issue mini-series that takes place across one-hundred minutes. Hopefully all the Superdouches flying around can literally beat the mediocrity out of the Superman-universe.

If you can’t make something epic out of a thousand-zillion Supermen beating the living shit out of one another, you’re probably failing at everything around you.

Just saying.

The four-issue miniseries is a weekly ordeal, which is a great way to get stank-asses into comic shops for a solid month. However, DC ain’t stopping there, yo! This week they’re rolling out Brightest Day #1. This shit is the latest weekly/bi-weekly title that DC has decided to trot out. Am I buying this shit? Absolutely not.

I would be game, if I thought it was going to be anything other than mediocre at best. A question to the members of the Cult that come across this den of iniquity. Have you enjoyed any of the following: 1) 52, 2) Countdown, or 3) Trinity? It’s an honest question. I haven’t run into anybody who has actually enjoyed them. So buying a weekly or bi-weekly comic book just for the sake of saying you did seems insane.

Eminem: The Punisher Kill You Promotional Comic #1 (of 2)

Uh…What the fuck is going on here?

ASTONISHING SPIDER-MAN/WOLVERINE #1

There would have been a time when this comic book would have totally jazzed me. I would have been freaking out. I was also thirteen. I’m going to be picking it up tomorrow, but all I can hear is the dings of cash registers while Marvel intelligently throws together two of their biggest characters. I don’t think there’s a title in the Marvel Universe that doesn’t feature one of them. So why not stuff them into a limited series and gain everyone’s attention?

Yeah, I’m a bit cynical.

But I mean, it could very well kick some ass. The comic is supposed to be easy on continuity as part of the Astonishing line, and is going for an over-the-top action movie type feel. As much as I posture, I’m probably going to end up jacking off over this comic book while wearing my pit-stained Black Spidey t-shirt.

You know what they say in the comic book world, it’s an age-old axiom:

Haters gon’ hate, then they gon’ buy anyways.

I ain’t no different. Unfortunately.