Shepard Can’t Have Same Sex Hook-Ups In Mass Effect 2 Because BioWare Are Pussies

For months I’ve been trying to get into Yeoman Chamber’s pants. Like, I really wanted to. I’ve spent all of my effort and suave nature trying to convince her to make the mistake of a lifetime.

And today I found out why. BioWare is a bunch of pussies, and don’t allow same-sex romances.

I stumbled across a ballin’ article today over at Kotaku in which the writer asked why same-sex bangings couldn’t happen to the Czar of Douchery or whatever over at BioWare. The response was something like “Blah blah blah, non-answer, blah blah, we’re pussies.”

First:
I can understand where they’re coming from. Sort of.

It makes complete sense that BioWare wants to market Mass Effect 2 to the greatest and most totally largest market imaginable. And having tons of dongs rubbing dongs and vaginas grinding vaginas would probably scare people away.

I mean, for me? It would have sold a second copy for me. Dongs rubbing dongs? I’m fucking in, man. But for all the homophobes, bible-fuckers, and toothless goobers out there that yesterday jerked off to their crucifix, it would have been an instant non-sale.

I think?

But here’s the thing:
There’s a difference between making a homosexual situation in the game mandatory, and allowing it to be there. Do you see what I mean? Can you smell what I’m cooking?

Even though I’d still think you are a d-bag if you didn’t pick up the game because it goes all Brokeback, I could understand if that content matter wasn’t your bag.

But, this game is so fucking open-ended.

All people are looking for is the ability to pursue a relationship with a member of the same sex. The romances in Mass Effect 2 are non-essential to the narrative. They’re auxiliary to everything that is going on with shooting aliens and saving universes and being a general bad ass.

So why not keep the option available? That way the yokels who would faint at the sight of Donnie Darko kissing The Joker wouldn’t have to go down that route, and those who want to snag some homo-lovin’ could do their thang.

Doesn’t that make sense? Am I the only sane man left? What if I want to get Garrus into my mainly arms?! Or more specifically, what if I want to grind vaginas with Yeoman Chambers?

I am left in the darkness! Crying into the wind!

All this time, I thought I had no game. Now I know that not only do I have no game, but there was never the possibility of success.

‘Cause the Thing Is:
As I’ve said, the structure of Mass Effect 2 immerses the player in the world. You’re free to make your own decisions, craft the plot as you may. So let me get this straight. I am the character, and I supposed to feel a certain connection with the character. I have designed their face, sculpted the universe through my decisions as the character.

One of the focal points of the game is to embed you as Shepard in the galaxy. You’re not Nathan Drake, who has a prominent role decided for him by the creators, with distinct character traits. You are you. And you can do everything you want to, save for deciding what gender you want to sleep with?

It’s lame. I understand the sort of controversy they’d be inviting into the mix if they had gone through with it. Mouth-breathers the world ’round would have shit their undies.

But still.

What about gays and lesbians who play the game? If I was a dude who was heavy on the dong-love as opposed to merely curiously bi-curious, it would bum me out if I couldn’t get with Jacob. And again, this is because the entire game is structured around you, the player, being immersed into the universe. If it was some regularly structured linear narrative, I would probably just bemoan the fact that such tales are so hetero-normative, and leave it at that.

But to prevent such a decision in a game that is like totally all about crafting your own experience?

Lame.