Yokozuna Was Awesome, Earthquake Was Even Cooler

It’s one of the eternal debates: what fat bastard was   the coolest fat bastard of the WWF? I got to thinking about it yesterday, and it’s been difficult to pick a side. I mean, Yokozuna was awesome. But then there was Earthquake. Earthquake was like the hillbilly version of Yokozuna. He was just as fat, except he had a sweet ass skullet and lightning bolts on his uniform.

Both of their finishing moves were the typical Fat Bastard finishing move: they squished you with their stunning ass. Like, literally, their ass stunned you. After they were done with you, you were a paralyzed mush of humanity. Can you even imagine what lurks in the crevices of Earthquake’s fatty leg rolls? Sweet Jesus Christ. There’s got to be dingleberries, little flecks of shit, half a roll of toilet paper, dried semen, a buffalo wing, a remote control for his VCR, and a litter of now-dead, but previously-cute kittens.

If I had to chose, I’m going Earthquake. His aforementioned skullet would seal the deal by itself, but he also has a sick plumage of chest hair, and when he teamed up with Tugboat to form the Natural Disasters, it was an alliance the likes of which we may never see again. It was actually the threat of the USA deploying them into Pinko Russian that brought down the Berlin Wall. It’s true, look it up on the internet.