Friday Brew Review – Select 55
FRIDAY! FRIDAY! FRIDAY!
BEER! BEER! BEER!
TONIGHT WE DRINK AWAY THE HOLLOW NIGHTMARE, THE LINGERING WORK-WEEK GHOSTS! THE CONJURED DEMONS OF SOCIETY CRUMBLE AND DECAY UNDER DURESS OF THE FERMENTED NECTAR! THIS. IS. BREW REVIEW!!!
*ahem*
What I meant to say was, welcome to the Friday Brew Review. Despite the special edition I dropped earlier this week, I’ve really been looking forward to this. Ya see, I decided awhile ago that this Friday would be reserved for a sort of…challenge.
Long story short, my friend Davey constantly gives me shit about the Friday Brew Review; he calls bullshit on my policy of straying away from products made by long-standing Titans of Beer. Historically, I’ve shrugged off his condemnations by reemphasizing the fact that the most popular beers in the U.S. generally taste like pee-pee water & the Brew Review is an opportunity for me to try new beverages.
At this point, he would still call bullshit. Yeah, he’s persistent. Perhaps I have been too much of a snob, too much of an elitist who looks down at the well-known lagers as being “merely pedestrian.” To determine whether or not this is the case, I have reserved this date as a chance to come face to face with the Devil herself…
But first, some background information. A few years back, Budweiser released Select, a beer that was lighter than their Bud Light and touted a measly 99 calories. The marketing for this beer did not advertise an amazing flavor, just the fact that it wouldn’t turn you into a total fat-ass. Hearing about it, I didn’t think that a more offensive beer could ever be concocted.
And then I discovered Budweiser Select 55.
Essentially, this is a lighter version of the Select product — only this time, the 99 calories have been reduced to 55. As an opponent of watered-down ideas, I decided that this would be the perfect liquid to test my palate. Let’s do this.
I’m not going to lie — at this point, I’ve drank four bottles of Select 55 and I’m starting to feel good. Not wasted or anything, as the “Premium Light Beer” is only 4% ABV, but my smile is spreading a little easier. So if getting drunk is your goal, then Select 55 might be for you. But if inebriation is the only reason you drink beer, why even bother? You’d be better off getting to point of self-amusement through quicker means, like hard liquor or sniffing glue.
Trying to figure out the appeal of this (non)beer, I headed to the official website. According to the folks at Budweiser, there are five good reasons as to why one should choose Select 55. For this review, I am going to list all five and respond to them accordingly.
1. It’s delicious.
No. Select 55 might be a lot of things (cleverly marketed, about eight bucks for a six pack), but it is not delicious. This beer basically tastes like the tap water available in any major metropolitan area, only blander and without the fluoride. In fact, I’m fairly certain I could use Select 55 to brush my teeth and never even notice.
2. It’s refreshing.
I won’t try to deny the fact that Select 55 is refreshing…but this isn’t something to brag about. When I think of beer, I think of liquid that’s going to stick to my ribs and make me sit down for awhile. On the other hand, I could drink this stuff while running the Chicago Marathon.
3. It’s waistline-friendly.
Get the fuck out of my face with that nonsense. If you’re really concerned about your muffin top spilling over, you shouldn’t even be drinking beer. You should be at the gym, doing, ahh…crunches? Is that what they do? Or is it cardio-kickboxing? In any case, I don’t count calories or give a shit, so “waistline-friendly” means nothing to me.
4. It brings people together.
Seriously? Because I’m fairly certain I’ve spent the last hour alone in my darkened room, listening to NIN and getting pissed about the fact that the Skywalker sneakers sold out before I could snag a pair. You’re wrong, Budweiser.
5. It’ll add balance to your life.
What the fuck does that even mean? Oh, what’s that, you have an explanation? Cool:
Your days are active and hectic. You already have enough things to worry about. Why should you have to worry about your beer, too? Select 55 is so delicious and refreshing and light, you can enjoy it without the slightest concern.
So…you don’t want me to think anymore? I shouldn’t have any concerns, I should just shut up and guzzle my beer? Hrm…
Again, I’ve drank four of these beers and my gut feels fine. This just isn’t right. There really isn’t any substance to the Select 55. Perhaps if I was a sorority sister, hoping to look sociable holding a beer while the bros scope out my poonannie, then this would be a perfect drink; No calories, no worries! But since I don’t feel the need to purge every carb I consume, Select 55 falls short.
Select 55, you’ve earned this grade: C