THIS WEEK ON 24: 10:00 – 11:00 PM

Jack’s a pretty understanding guy. For instance, before he dropped the ball and was totally the cause of his wife’s death, he used to make her pancakes. And then this week, he proved to be a genuine Sir Lancelot. At the end of the episode, he was totally okay with consoling a crazy chick who when she isn’t mauling Russian rapists and attempting suicide , apparently likes to stab him.

Jack, you fucking Romeo.

When Dana Walsh is walking through CTU in her slinky dress, everything is right with the world. No, seriously. When she was on the screen this episode, for but a moment, I remembered why I loved her so much. Why they don’t have her running around with a gun, or at the very least, not dealing with an ex-con boyfriend is beyond me. But no such luck, she’s involved with helping some guy she should have turned in a couple of hours ago with some bank heist, which goes understandably poorly.

This entire subplot is written so predictably, you can actually just walk away from the screen while it’s going on. Go take a shit and make a sandwich. Then wait for that sandwich to digest, and shit that out. You’ll still be waiting for the Goofy Band of Yokels and Starbuck to get off the screen.

Of course they fuck everything up, probably because they were mesmerized by indoor lighting which they don’t have in their shacks in Alabama or something.

The President of That Made Up Country continues fucking things up for his people the entire episode. The guy is a complete douchebag. He goes from being someone you hope Freddie Prince Jr. can save to someone you actively campaign to get shot. He’s just running around having people taken in for questioning and not being given any rights. In fact, he has his Security Detective Guy taken in for questioning, just because the dude was all “Hey, you shouldn’t be doing this, these aren’t the principals I agreed to when I voted for you or something.”

And then he patted Security Guy on the head and told him he was cute for thinking political figures actually had principals.

Meanwhile President Taylor is all “Hey, you can’t just interrogate everyone without due process! Only we do that!”

An what the fuck is up with President The Guy From Slumdog Millionaire’s glasses? Is he secretly a hipster? Is he twittering something and trying to order some tight jeans? I’m confused. At least Jack took off his glasses, those things were distracting.

Ah fuck, never mind.

I actually resent how awesome the last four minutes or so of the episode were. Yeah man, they were fucking out of control. After three episodes of having Vladimir dry-hump her, storm in on her improbable showers, and ask her to cut bread – what the fuck – Renee finally stabs the living shit out of him. And how! I mean, holy shit. Listen chick, take it from someone who takes it, you need some Lamictal. Your mood swings are making me look stable, and that’s no small feat.

I hadn’t been shocked by something that happened on 24 in a long time, but the fact that she stabbed poor Vlad in the eyeball and then used him as a pin cushion had me aghast. And then she stabbed Jack! Holy Jesus Christ! Now this is what I’m talking about.

Thankfully it was only Jack Bauer she stabbed, and not a mere mortal. If she had stabbed me, I would have been rolling around on the ground screaming “My fucking guts! My insides! Are they still inside!? Do I look like Mel Gibson in Braveheart! Ow, oh shit! Just ’cause you got crazy ass titties don’t mean you can stab me!”

Jack though? Naw, he wasn’t even sweating it.

Though they’ve only gone into it in fanfiction, it’s well known that Jack Bauer was trained by an army of chimpanzee ninja assassins in his early teenage years. Henceforth, his precision aim and dexterity are unbelievable, which is why he was able to pull that dang knife out of his belly and throw it into the throat of Vlad’s crony without blinking. It was god damn impressive. As for the wound itself? Don’t even mean a thang. Bauer kicked a heroin addiction in season three, and self-resurrected after being tasered to death in season two. I guarantee by the end of the next episode, his stomach is actually stronger than it was previously.

Also little known fact? Jack Bauer’s dad was Wolverine. Healing factor like woah.

Here’s hoping Bauer gets to put the stink down on some more Russian stormtroopers next episode, while Renee does god knows what. She’s probably going to stab Bubba Gump Hastings back at CTU and try and hang herself with Chloe’s phone cord. I approve.