Remember That Time On LOST When: You Realized Eko Was Fucking Dumb?

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

Yeah, I said it. Mr. Eko was fucking dumb. I ain’t got no love for the guy. Every day, I try and think of something to write, and everyday Pepsibones goes “Write about Mr. Eko! Write about Mr. Eko!” Well, let me tell you something. Fuck Mr. Eko.

Fuck.

Mr.

Eko.

The entire tail section of the plane is pretty fucking boring and forgettable. And even if they were all fired from the show for fornicating with barnyard animals and drinking while driving and the whatnot, I’m glad they’re gone. As my friend Crackbaby used to say, “Good riddance to bad rubbish.”

Why does Mr. Eko suck so much? Well, for starters, the dude’s character is a smorgsborg of other tropes that are already working throughout the show. He comes off uninspired to me, and all of his themes were already being done better through other characters. It’s as if the writers realized during some brainstorming session, holy shit, we already have all of this guy’s storylines covered! What the fuck is this guy doing on the Island? Yeah, he’s got a huge stick or something! But I mean, come on!

It was only in death that Mr. Eko served any sort of awesomeness, because his unrepentant ass let us see the Smoke Monster gobble someone up. Or whatever the hell it did to him.

Derivative #1 – Man of Faith

So get this, there’s a guy on his Island who isn’t proud of his past. And he’s also a man of faith. Yeah, doesn’t that pretty much sum up everyone on the fucking Island? And while Mr. Eko turns towards blind silly faith towards building a church, he has the same sort of blind passion towards the immaterial that really just makes me say “He’s like Locke except different and not cool.”

Eko’s righteous derivativeness is compounded when he replaces Locke as the guy who sits all day and slaps numbers onto a keyboard down in the Hatch. So while Locke has better things to do like channel the Island and kill himself so deities can betray one another, Eko picks up where he left off.

And I mean, how many faith versus faith storylines do we need going on here? Jack versus Locke, faith versus science. And then Eko comes flying into the ring like Mick Foley with a steel chair of blind faith and then Locke and him throw down? Science versus faith versus faith versus Cactus Jack!

Yeah, it’s no wonder that they killed this guy off.

It’s like he’s getting from the garbage pail of other characters.

Derivative #2 – Foreign Guy With Military / Mercenary Past

Oh wait! Stop me if you’ve heard this one! There’s this foreign guy, and he used to kill people as part of a questionable company. Wait, you’re thinking of Sayid, right! Wrong! It’s fucking Mr. Eko, who used to be a warlord. Sorry guys, this doesn’t impress me. You already played out the Foreign Guy Who Shot People card for me when you introduced Sayid as a member of the Iraqi army. And now we have this other guy running around, and you’re like, oh hey, he used to shoot people!

And push drugs or indoctrinate kids into child militaries.

Derivative #3 – Dumb Ass Who Gets Eaten by Smokey

This is my favorite role that Eko performs. After running around as a Man of Faith like Locke, and after being a member of a foreign military organization like Sayid, he gets to be another dumb ass that gets owned by Smokey. And to be fair, Eko even had his chance to save his own life. But instead of dealing with the fact that he was a drug-pushing piece of shit that got his brother killed, Eko then gets munched upon by Smokey. Listen dude, you’re going to be judged by the Island, and like all the other douchebags who refuse to face their sins, you failed the test.

Au revoir!

Derivative #4 – Specter of Dead Oceanic 815 Member Who Visits Hurley

Even in death, Eko’s unoriginal, boring ass is derivative as fuck. Like Ana Lucia and Charlie, Hurley sees Mr. Eko. And apparently they place chess. I don’t know why they didn’t play wiffle ball with an ethereal form of his dumb Jesus Stick, but whatever. The dude sucks, why would they do anything cool.

Mr. Eko was a dumb thug who carried around a Jesus Stick, got eaten by the Smoke Monster, and got little kids and his brother killed. I don’t miss him one god damn bit, and if you do, I’m hoping this Ode to his Craptastic Character has sated your desire to see him memorialized in internet file.