Variant Covers: I Am Happily Sucking On Grant Morrison’s Teat
Joe The Barbarian #1
Grant Morrison is one of my favorite bros rocking comics these days. I know he isn’t perfect, but that’s what unconditional love (fanboyism) is about: accepting your crushes with their warts and all. I still have no idea what the hell happened in Final Crisis, aside from Batman getting shot with some lasergun and being transported into the paleolithic age or some shit. However, one of my biggest butt-crushes is dropping a new comic this week, and I can’t help but fap vigorously at the idea of a new title by him.
Joey the Barbs follows a teenage kid thrown into some sort of fantasy world filled with ninja commandos and other absurdity. Whether it is typical teenage escapism, as Joe flees from a Dad felled by the war in Iraq and high school stress, or something more fantastical, I’m intrigued. I can’t remember Morrison writing something from the perspective of a teenager, but my brain is rotting at a ludicrous rate. Morrison’s wonderfully drugs-addled brain is sure to come up with some surreality. Here’s hoping that the plot is as comprehensible as the premise seems interesting.
Mighty Avengers #33
Oh Norman Osborn, you fucking bastard! Would you believe that an Avengers title finds Norman Obsorn being all sorts of dastardly, trying to wield the Cosmic Cube? Yeah, me either. Dude is as played out as Dane Cook, and sucks just as much. But so yeah, the fourteen Avengers teams seem to be grouping up together to try and stop the Iron Patriot, or some shit. Tired of the forty-five Avengers titles? Help is on the way, my dear child. After Siege, Marvel is canceling all the titles, and I assume stripping them down to one or two titles. Which is good, because it’s hard to keep track of what is going on these days in the Marvel Universe.
Even Hitler has no fucking clue what’s going on:
Can I get a “Fuck yeah”? to them simplifying everything? I’d happily pick up one Avengers title that I can give a fuck about, than fifteen that just churn out the same event-driven slop. Plus, it makes sense that Cap, Thor, and Tony Stark are going to be rolling as a group together for the first time since 2003. I’m a sucker for the big three raining blood and thunder down on the jobbers dumb enough to fuck with them.
Also in the Marvel Universe is Captain American #602, which has got both Bucky and Stevey Rogers rocking out as Captain America. I can’t be the only one who is amused by the thought that Natasha Romanova could be like “Yeah, I got double-teamed by Captain America”, and she would be legit. In case you’re wondering, Hulk still exists with Hulk #19 coming out this week. No, we still don’t know who the Red Hulk is, but I’ll let you know who it is if we ever find out. My money is on Deadpool. ‘Cause Deadpool is everywhere right now, with fifteen titles all filled with witty dialogue and post-modern fourth-wall breaking.
Authority The Lost Year #5
I haven’t been reading the latest iteration of The Authority, but just seeing it out there makes me want to check it out. Does anyone else remember when it was the greatest thing running? Back during the Ellis and Millar runs, it was one of my most anticipated releases. Shit was hot. Ellis and Hitch teamed up to bring the best action movie on shelves. Epic plots, ridiculous violence, and the deconstruction of some of our favorite characters in the guise of analogs. Any title that has Batman and Superman equivalents making out on panel is undoubtedly over the top.
Since then, Authority, and the rest of Wildstorm have seemed to meandered around in obscurity. They’ve tried relaunching the universe more than I care to keep track of, and it all seems to be an effort in futility. Is anyone checking this title out? I’d be interested in knowing if its worth the dollars plunked down.
Green Lantern Corps #44
Sometimes a cover just fucking sells you on a title. Don’t judge a book by its cover? Fuck you! Sorry fat chicks, with spray-on tans and Bumpits, I’m judging you hard. Same goes for this issue of Green Lantern Corps. It’s Guy Gardner covered in blood, raging some straight up Red Lantern Rage. Dude looks like me last time my fucking Xbox red-ringed. Wait a second, do I smell cross-over? Red Hulk, Red Guy Gardner? OH SHIT. Mystery solved. Corps has been rockin’ out with Blackest Night tie-ins, which makes sense, since the Darkest of Evenings is tied directly into Lanterns and shit. Who know that a Lantern could be so sweet. It’s Guy Gardner, covered in body parts, crying blood and rage. Sold.
Keeping with the whole Blackest Night shit, you can check out Blackest Night Flash #2, if you’re looking for a quality tie-in. Geoff Johns penning Barry Allen is a recipe for event-awesomeness. Plus, they’ve turned fucking Solovar into a zombie. A zombie APE with SUPER INTELLIGENCE, going ape-shit. Pun intended. C’mon. That’s pure rock. Also for you Batman fanboys, there’s Batman The Brave and the Bold, Azrael, and like four other titles featuring the Flying Rodent. No thanks, but rock on if it is your thing.