This Just In: I Want to Play Final Fantasy XIII

I can’t stop thinking about Final Fantasy XIII. It’s a Final Fantasy. A fucking Final Fantasy! I have some peeps who tell me things like, “I gosh gee, I haven’t liked the last several installments!” During these times, I contemplate an intelligent, well-thought out response.

But then I’m like, meh.

So what I generally say is something like:

I’m sorry you have shitty taste. It’s also a shame that your Mom’s ass smells like rotten tuna, but that’s only because her blown-out, leaky vagina tends to drain into her ass crack. As well, I’m not typically pro-choice, but you seem like a prime candidate for abortion.

Then they continue all, “So yeah, I’m just not that excited about it. I mean, it’s not that I hate it it or anything, but just…”

Fuck you! Are you kidding me! It’s got like fucking monsters that transform into vehicles with guns and it’s got a dude who has a fucking CHOCOBO in his hair. I can’t even begin to comprehend why you wouldn’t be excited about this. Why are you lame?

“Ian, chill out man! I’m just not particularly excited for it.”

OH, I’M FUCKING SORRY! I THOUGHT YOU LIKED COOL THINGS?! WHY ARE WE FRIENDS?!

“Seriously dude, you’re frightening me!”

And you’re fucking dead! I swear on the seventeen cans of Pepsi Max that I’ve consumed in the last hour, I will absolutely dance in your blood! I will not relent until you’re a mush of organic matter splayed about a public place! I will revile your desecrated corpse with insults regarding your small and or smelly genitalia, depending on your gender!

And then they’re like “…I guess, I guess I do want to play it. I have to go. Don’t call me.”