THIS WEEK ON: Dexter – Lost Boys

I fucking love Dexter this season. Every episode has made my asshole pucker with tension. Butt cheeks clenched, I work my way through the episode wondering what the hell could happen next. There’s a multitude of things that occurred in this episode that had be thinking, “I would never ever fucking do that in a million years.” I suppose that’s why this shit is television, and not filled with mundane people like myself.

For starters, the dude Steven or whatever that was kidnapped by Trinity was the mouthiest little son of a bitch ever. I don’t know if it’s because you only learn kidnapping protocol as you get older, but I don’t suggest yelling at the dude who drugged you and stuck you in a van. That said, I would be in the corner crying and blowing snot bubbles while he sat there rocking his train set.

I have to give props to the Trinity Killer for being continually more creepy as the season has gone on. The dude has mastered the creep equation. I’m going to be pretty bummed out when Trinity is no longer on the show. The dude has stormed onto the cast bare-assed and solidified himself as a key character. Where the hell do they go from here?

Probably downhill.

The second thing that I would never do is let my father know that I’m onto him being a serial killer. I’m just saying. If my Dad was carving up ladies and bludgeoning dudes for thirty years, I’m taking that shit to the grave. Or at the most, to the authorities. But yeah, I’m not going to meet him in a dingy fucking parking garage. This was another scene where I could feel my testicles rescinding into my upper bowels from fright. I was waiting for Trinity to all choke the bitch out or something.

She may be goin’ to jail, but having Quinn and shit show up definitely saved her from shedding the ole’ mortal coil.

And finally, I wouldn’t be resentful of my detective partner if they found out that I was dating a murderer. Seriously Quinn, what’s your fucking deal, bro? I try to enjoy your presence on the show, despite your man-titties and the fact that you’re trying to bring my boy Dexter down. But now you cop an attitude with Deb? Like, really?

I think you’re ignoring the fact that Christine was just banging you to get close to the Trinity investigation. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she was a sexy lady. But you were used bro, and judging from the way you parade around those shitty night clubs, it was probably some sort of karmic uppercut.

I could accept you being bummed out, you know, finding out that you date a murderer, who also happens to be the daughter of a serial killer. That’s cool. But all cheesed off at Deborah because she cracked a case? Confounding!