The BTBAM Album Inspires Erratic Breathing, Irresponsibility

I was straight chillin’ last night in my pajamas. And then ten minutes later I was rushing through suburban traffic. Blowing red lights, swerving around corners. I was racing the motherfucking clock. Throwing caution completely to the wind, I had to make it to my local compact disc store prior to their closing.

I’m an excitable guy. Like, really excitable. When I say that I get pumped up for the shit that I dig, I’m not kidding. Sometimes when I see a new gaming trailer that has me popping some sequoia-inspired wood, I have to run around my room. If there’s a movie coming out that I’m really anticipating, I’ll gnaw anyone’s ear off about it. You won’t be safe from me.

Sorry, yo.

So let me tell you that I had been anticipating the new Between the Buried and Me album with typical Ian fervor. Showing some sort of self-restraint, I hadn’t even downloaded the album when it leaked. Who the fuck does that anymore?

As my girlfriend left last night, I was like, new BTBAM tomorrow. She clearly didn’t share my enthusiasm. But that’s okay, I could tell me she was happy for me. Or more than likely, probably proficient at faking it. I had probably mentioned its release seventy-three times since Sunday.

She left and I sat my ass down on the computer. I was intending to kung fu the fuck out of some orcs and murk bloods and shit in WoW. And then my friend Dave hit me.

(the shit that doesn’t make sense is in response to me begging dave earlier to help me with a quest in WoW)

It was 9:31. I had until 10 pm. Sitting a city away was the new BTBAM album. Just beckoning to me. I stared at the clock. I had absolutely no fucking doubt I could make it. It would just take some effort.

Being all worked up into a messy nerdfroth, I ran around my room. I dug for my shoes. Fuck socks, I didn’t need any socks. Fuck the temperature, I ran out in gym shorts and a red hoodie. I ran up the stairs out of my dungeon. Fuck me, I forgot my money. I ran back down the stairs. Grabbed the money from my jeans and booked it out the door.

I hopped into the Blackbird (my car, a nerdy reference to BSG) and punched it Chewie. I was zooming down the main streets of Wakefield. I distinct remember seeing a red light zoom overhead as I cut a hard left. I was making good time. 9:36. I pulled into the parking lot by 9:39. I had to have set some sort of new land record for making it to the record store from anywhere in my home town.

Like a retard I whirled around the store, my mind racing. Words stumbled and fell out of my fat head to the cashier:

Yeah uh like my friend told me that the new BTBAM…uh, Between the Buried and Me album came out today.

He pointed me to it. I still didn’t see it. I was lost. Oh there it was. At the register I continued my blathering.

OhmanyeahIhearditcameouttoday and I had to get it. I mean I know it’s onlyliketwelvehoursearlier but I just had to have it, you know?

Then I laughed a lot and probably scared everyone in the store. HAHHAHHAHAHAHA, don’t mind the crazy guy with the ridiculous smile on his face. He’s just going to stab you and dance in your blood while shouting THE GREAT MISDIRECT YEAHHHH, I OWN IT, I OWN IT. I walked out of the store and into my car. It was 9:46. I was traveling at roughly half the speed of light. But I had done it.

And it all seems a bit ridiculous. But I guess, this is the sort of shit I live for. I don’t really care if you like or dislike BTBAM, the story itself is more about the power of the arts in my life. I don’t know what I’d do without being able to look forward to the next video game, or movie, or book, or album. There’s something about being able to be taken on some sort of extrabody journey through the power of someone’s guitar riffs or prose that really makes life worth living for me. I know it sounds cheese burger as hell, but that’s the truth.

I got home and I had a couple of missed calls from my girlfriend. She had returned to my heezy to pick up a forgotten sandwich and her boyfriend had disappeared. No cell phone, no trace. I gave her a call back. And I had to breathlessly tell her, oh my fucking god the new BTBAM album came out today! And that’s why Bri called and omfgomfgomfg, I’m sure that sounds retarded. Sorry for forgetting my phone. I was excited, I didn’t wear socks! OMFG.

The voice on the other end of the phone said, “Oh, that’s too funny. You’re cute.”

And she meant it.